Why I ate the pants

One night I was watchin tv chewing on my fist, cause I was all out of food.  Suddenly, my left man tit, started vibrating.  I reached under and pulled out my blackberry......mmmm, blackberry pie.  
"Lard, we need to see you at the containment area NOW!"
I knew this day would come, and I knew I would need a triple whopper to keep myself going!  As I arrived with mayo and ketchup smeared on my face, a military officer approached me.  "The worst has happened Mr.Infamous"  said the soldier, "The stained pants are slowly detreiorating  the vault.  In 24 hrs the vault will be gone, and the world will be at risk."  That's when I got pissed.  Who the fuck is this guy cuttin in on MY snack time for this shit??  "Well, what the fuck can I do?"  I asked.  He explained that since I am immune to all diseases and have 3 feet of fat surrounding me, I could keep it in my stomach, it would be forever shielded from the human race.  That's when I knew I had to save the world with the one skill I possess above all others.....and it's not knitting
When the pants hit my tongue, it was like my taste buds were in the 7th ring of hell!  I would sooner eat a salad than those wretched pants!!  I was about to gag them up, when the soldier shouted "Don't give up! Remember:  You're doing this for HER!!  Immediately, I thught of my little chicken wing, and swallowed faster than Paris Hilton.  
At last the world would be safe from the pants that shall not be named.  I did what I had to do to save us all.  Can you forgive me??
Uploaded 07/27/2011
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