Why I Hate Life A Brief Introduction to My Grandpa

Not that any of you probably care, but I am going to explain the reasons I hate life. This is all about me.

Firstly, this all stems from my grandfather. Last year, I moved in with him as his caretaker, not so much because he needed tons of help, but really just some company. Things have been a shit sandwich since. Here's why:

1) He farts. Alot. He doesn't care any more, so he just does it at will... in my car, at the bank, in the grocery store. I take him all these places, so I always feel the shame as he indiscreetly crop-dusts people in public places.

2) He smokes. I smoke too, but it is important to understand that he chain smokes unfiltered cigarettes. When he is halfway done with a cigarette, he puts it out, takes another butt, and rolls the two halves together. This creates the "Death's Head Cigarette", which fills the house with the most disgusting, oily smoke ever. My clothes have long since been tainted to the point that I smell like I work at a crematorium. This brings me to point 3:

3) He coughs up phlegm like a machine gun (as he has been smoking since he was 14). All day and night, all I hear is coughing. The coughing isn't that bad, but he feels the need to shout out "Son of a Bitch!" after every cough, like he's suprised. Here is my typical night:

2:00 AM - "GhrrkGAAAKherrKKharRRGGG... SON OF A BITCH!"

2:03 AM - "HARRGGGGkerkkkkKGGerrrg... SON OF A BITCH!"

2:04 AM - "GRRKKhaaggrkGRLLGK... SON OF A BITCH!"

This continues throughout the night. 

To make matters better, he spits his phlegm into a tin can. When the can is full, he tries to pour it into the toilet, but inevitably ends up splashing the rancid shit on the floor (that is if nobody has accidently knocked the damn thing over first). 

4) He drools like a dog. He drools on the floor, the furniture, and me (if he can). Once, he drooled on my cat and I wouldn't pet him for a week.

5) Slippers have always been his white whale; he is always searching for the perfect pair. Since I do most shopping without him, he is constanly sending me out for slippers. Whatever I bring back is never acceptable. I have bought over fifteen pairs of slippers for him, but none have ever been approved. Pretty sure he does this to me because he is bored.

6) He cannot make poos or pees in the toilet. I clean constantly, but the floor in the bathroom is always sticky like the area in front of the soda fountain at Burger King. I can deal with him playing fireman, but I am disgusted when he manages to shit on the floor. I want to hit him on the nose with a newspaper and make him go sit in the garage.

7) I don't know why I didn't mention this earlier, but he DOESN'T WEAR PANTS! He fails to understand that myself and others are disgusted by an 89 year old man wearing just a shirt. He isn't senile, he just likes showing off his wrinkle-collection.  He is totally comfortable having a conversation with someone sans pants. Fucking sick.

8) If at any time throughout this little rant, you've thought, "well maybe his grandpa is a nice person and the grandson is just a dick who doesn't like farts", you are sadly mistaken. He is a douche. He screams at the cat for meowing, screams at the nurses when they make house calls, screams at me when I bring in groceries. That's right, he is angered by me running errands on his behalf.

He is the dirtiest person, but he feels the need to call to me and have me pick up tiny bits of fluff on the floor. Sometimes, he tells me to get him cigarettes at 3:00 in the morning. That's better than going to the store for products that haven't been made since the 1940s. I do that alot.

Well that about sums it up. This list isn't all-inclusive, but merely my favorite topics.

Oh yeah, sometimes he throws away my mail.

Uploaded 05/08/2008
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