Pets are great. If I was, for some strange reason, only allowed to keep one pet for the rest of my life I would opt for a dog - no contest - a dog every time. A dog isnt just Man's Best Friend - A dog is everyones friend. You treat your dog right and they'll return endless amounts of affection and express unconditional love for you. They'll be your ward against danger, a constant rock in times of sadness, indeed, they will be your fabled friend till the end. But not poodles. I f_cking DETEST poodles. I cant stress this enough. Especially black haired poodles with their fur randomly shaved here and there and fluffed up in annoying balls on top of their rat-like heads or around their scrawny spaghetti-like ankles. Makes them look like a questionable balloon animal thats just been wetly farted out by a gin-soaked clown.
My hatred of this particular breed stems from a terrifying and blood stained encounter from my childhood - an encounter which left me both mentally and physically scarred. Cue fuzzy clouds, hazy swirls and an echoing I REMEMBER....I remember....I remember... I remember the first place my family lived in with happy memories. It was a fairly small house with pebble-dash on the outside walls, a tiny garden, and a fantastic view of the mountain and surrounding forest. We didn't have a lot of money at that time but things were good and me and my sister never wanted for anything. We were always pretty close, me and my sis - we still are, I'm happy to report - and we always used to find stupid things to do around the house during the summer holidays to keep ourselves entertained. Around the side of our house was a big gate. One of my happiest memories was me pushing that gate back and forward with my sis on it and her laughing away to the skies above - I seem to remember that the cheapest and simplest forms of entertainment at that time were usually the best.
And then a new family next door to us....and brought Nip the poodle with them. Right from the get-go I disliked that wee bitch. She seemed to prance rather than walk, looking down her long, thin, rat-like snout at everyone as they passed. She had an air of superiority about her that was plain to see brought about by , I have no doubt, years of pampering, preening and down-right spoiling. The family that had moved in next door to us had no children so you could say that Nip was their surrogate offspring. Any time any of us went into, or left, our house there she would be, standing rigid stiff in our neighbour's front yard, coldly staring us out and piercing the air with her monotonous "Yip-YAP-YAP-YIP-YAP-YAP-YIP-YAAAAAP-YAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPP!". This went on for months and months. Things finally came to a head one summer's morning when I was in the back yard messing about with a load of Star Wars figures and a big basin of water. After watching the rebel alliance drown for about the fiftieth time and the hands of Wet Vader, and, puzzling over how in the blue f_ck Jabba the Hutt was still floating on top like a unwanted super-turd, I heard the distinctive sound of my sister squealing my name at the top of her voice coming from the front yard. Being the heroic big brother I opened the gate, rushed through, skidded successfully around the side of the house then abruptly stopped as I saw what had been distressing my sister so much.
My sis had always been a bit afraid of dogs in general and now, one of her greatest fears was taking place. Somehow that little shit Nip from next door had escaped, sauntered regally ,I've no doubt, into our yard, manoeuvred my sister into a corner and was slowly advancing towards her, tiny pointed evil teeth bared, a deep unheard before growl emanating from her every pampered poodle pore and a defiant look that said Yeah I'm a poodle sure but I'm still gonna tear you up....uh-huhn! I bent down, lifted a small stone, and prepared to throw it at the hellhound from next door. Just at that moment she halted her advance on my poor, shivering, defenceless sister and slowly looked over her bony shoulder at me. A smile seemed to appear on her lips as she appeared to change her mind on taking a chomp out of my sis and turned literally on me instead. My sis taking the opportunity presented to her (a Sqwa family trait I do believe) ran past her attacker, past me and shouted, "Run...ye silly bastard!". Rearing up, Nip made her move and sprang towards me with a terrifying YARPPPP coming from her wide open maw. I spun round and followed through the dust cloud created by my sister.if I could only make it to the gate I knew that I would be okay. My sis had pushed through the gate and had made it to the promised land well, the relative safety of the back yard. I could hear that bitch Nip scrabbling furiously behind me snapping and snarling, hoping to take a nice Nip-sized square of Sqwa-shaped arse back to her yard as a trophy. I could see my sister standing there, motioning me towards her.....I was almost there..
..then the gate swung back at me, whapped me in the face, throwing me straight back up against the wall at the side of our house. The back of my head connected first with the sharp unforgiving stones of the pebbledash wall and I swear that I was suspended there for a good ten seconds. Sliding down the wall, feeling the stones rip and rend mercilessly and sensing the warm blood gushing down my back like a crimson waterfall, I eventually crumpled to the ground dazed and utterly confused. I opened my eyes, looked up and saw my neighbours dog standing over me. Our eyes locked for a moment, she tilted her head to the side, then, with an almost cobra-like speed and precision, the wee bitch darted in and........ nipped the end of my nose. She then turned tail, and, never once looking back, pranced off like one of those famous Andalusian horses from the Spanish Riding School in Vienna, stopped at the corner of our house only to take a cheeky intermittent piss that wouldnt have filled a thimble, then disappeared presumably back to her lair.
I have three fairly long scars on my back, a small area about the size of a pound coin on the crown of my head where the hair NEVER grew back and two permanent off-white marks on the tip of my nose to remind me of that day.
My name is Sqwa99..and now you know why I really f_cking hate poodles!