damn it now I am hungry...
I have been thinking alot about the things that have been going on in my life.. and have gone on in my life.
See i decided long ago that love would conquor all. NO matter what once upon a time we would live happily ever after. So I met a guy and fell in "love". And baby makes three.
Well that didnt last too much longer, after I squeezed out a kid (thankfully not in a rice patty). Caught him with my one of my "good" friends. Gravy.
In the past 10 years I have dated and had two serious relationships and he has been married twice. 1st wife was my good friend. That ended in divorce because she was boning my brother. This wife she is not so bad, and least she washes her ass.
But this isn't entirely about that. I love my son and would do anything I could to love him and help him him grow ito a decent human.
My mom the other day said to me "Well I never thought i would see the day that I would want you to be with him." I glared at my mother."Not happening."
See my mom is my mom. She is great but she has her moments like in the past I would say "Maybe one day I will have more kids." Still trapped in that delusional fairytale. But she would snap me right out of it saying. "YOU CANT HAVE ANY MORE KIDS BECAUSE I SAID SO." ok...ok... seriously did you just say that to me? I am almost thirty and if I want more kids I would have them. Period.
SO the past few months i have been having it emotionally rough. Granted I am not buried under a collapsed building or freezing on the street. my parents are helping me the best they can and I am very grateful.
See I made all of the decisions that lead me right here. EVerything I did I have put under the microscope anyalized rewind it and did it again. I was like howard hughes on a bender. My thoughts have been dark, and some still are. But I truck it on.
See I had a decent job that had some pretty awesome perks, but I knew deep down I couldnt handle it. I am NOT a work-aholic. He wanted us at 830a till 11pm at night. I can be when needed, I am not professional, but if I see the oppurtunity to drop an inappropiate comment I will. Plus, I didnt understand any of the shit. Couldnt catch on and it was fucking robotic. Clockwatching. I hated it. So. I quit. gave y 2 weeks and sucked it up. Nice get to hang out and have a vaca. with my man.
Well the day before I left my job I decided to break up with my boyfriend of 2 years and move out. Why? because noone ever thinks that with every action, there is a reaction. Basic physics really. Fight with your girlfriend and go jerk off to web cams instead of attempt to fix what was wrong. seriously? he gets up and goes to masterbate.
.. To where did i move? I didnt have any clue. to my parents I go. Self sabatoge much ? But I "loved" him. Shoot to three months later, in my quest to repair the relationship and his quest to get laid til the next one came along. I turned into the one girl that we NEVER want to turn into. Yes her. The one where you could rip off your own face to GET HER THE FUCK AWAY FROM YOU. Wow.... anyway,...
AFter that I pretty much lost all gradure of love. Im done with guys and I am burning my notebook in protest, and charging up the batteries. No I am not turning gay, however, i dont mind dabbling in the poonanny every now and again. I dont even mind dating to have fun, no more boyfriends. Im just "Ms. Not even remotely close to right now."
Now, my mother... after numerous time of trying to talk her out of it decided to take my sisters kids for a week. My mom is disabled (not stephen hawk disabled but she's gotta mean gimp going on.) These kids are spoiled 3 and 5 yr olds. The minute they walked in the door, my mother aged 10 yrs. They are attached to my mother like smell on shit. Seriously. She cant even float some logs without one of them screaming "Where's grandma. I want grandma!" Holy shit kid. My mother is so exhausted how do i know? because the more tired she gets the louder the snore. and the more snippy she gets. and all they do is whine, and be testy little fuckers.
I dont know if this is what my mom wanted to accomplish but. I am done having kids. I dont want any more at all. If I feel the need Ill go and pick up my sisters kids. That will jolt me right back. I love them and they are the cutest but I am not a fan of children.
my sister and her life well thats another blog in itself. But between all this shit going on, Im done with the whole romantic sappy bullshit view on love. Either they will die on your or leave you or cheat on you or beat you. Either way its shitty. I feel better now Im done.
Oh and I do hope the grammer police have off tonite. I really didnt feel like appearing somewhat intellectual.