1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 & Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it does move and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.