Jokes
Khiaao
Published
02/26/2011
A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare female gorilla, but shortly afterwards she became quite difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat.
To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy ANY species, or so he bragged.
So the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, " I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. "Well," said Ed, "you gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."
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A 32-year-old woman goes to the welfare department to ask for assistance after losing her job. The Social Worker asks her how many kids she has.
She tells the worker ten boys -- all named Ray.
"Ten!" shouts the worker, "What do you do when you want them to come inside when they are playing?"
"Oh, that's easy," she says. "I just call out, 'Ray, time to get inside,' and they all come inside."
"What about when dinner is ready?"
"Oh, that's easy too," she replies, "I just yell out, 'Ray, dinner is ready,' and they all come and eat."
"So, what do you do when you need just ONE of your son's to do a chore for you?"
"Oh, that's easy," she replied, "I just call him by his last name."
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Two old men decided that since they were so old and probably didn't have much time left on this earth, they would like to have a good time. After a few drinks they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two rooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are too old and drunk, I am not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.
The manager does as she is told and the two old men go up the stairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home, the first one says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!"
"Dead", says his friend, "why would you think that?"
"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."
His friend says, "I think mine was a witch." "A WITCH !!!
What makes you say that?" "Well, I was making love to her, kissing on her neck and I gave her a little bite and then she farted and flew out the window!!
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Two strangers a man and a woman traveling on a business trip. Suddenly the woman sneezes she reaches for a tissue and wipes between her legs.
The man couldn't believe his eyes then figured he was just seeing things. Then a few moments later she sneezes again and the same thing she grabs another tissue and wipes between her legs.
Now the man's going nuts, can't believe this is happening. Minutes later it happens again. The man ask "are you sending me signals or what? Why do you wipe between your legs each time you sneeze?"
She replys "I have a strange disorder that causes me to orgasm whenever I sneeze.
The man asked, "What are you taking for it?" The woman responds, "Pepper."
-------
Forrest Gump died and went to heaven, he was stopped at the gates by St. Peter. He said that heaven was nearly full, so anyone coming in must pass a test and can enter only if they passed on the test.
Forrest protests and says God did not make me very smart on earth. How do you expect me to pass? St. Peter replies 'ok, I will give you 3 questions to study and if you pass you can get in. Forrest agrees.
Next day Forrest appears in front of St. Peter. He asks if he was ready so they get started.
1)how many days of the week start with 't'. Forrest says '2' - 'today' and 'tomorrow'. St. Peter is amused but says I will let you try the other 2 questions, but you must be correct to go in.
2)How many seconds are there in a year? Forrest immediately beams and says 12. St. Peter is dumfounded. how did you come up with that? Bubba says well there is Jan 2, Feb 2, March 2 etc. St. Peter is amused but says you must get the last question right.
Let's go on with the next and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure" Forrest replied, "it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter.
"OK, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS HE I'M HIS OWN......"
St. Peter opened the gate and said: "Run, Forrest, Run"
------
To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy ANY species, or so he bragged.
So the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, " I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. "Well," said Ed, "you gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."
--------
A 32-year-old woman goes to the welfare department to ask for assistance after losing her job. The Social Worker asks her how many kids she has.
She tells the worker ten boys -- all named Ray.
"Ten!" shouts the worker, "What do you do when you want them to come inside when they are playing?"
"Oh, that's easy," she says. "I just call out, 'Ray, time to get inside,' and they all come inside."
"What about when dinner is ready?"
"Oh, that's easy too," she replies, "I just yell out, 'Ray, dinner is ready,' and they all come and eat."
"So, what do you do when you need just ONE of your son's to do a chore for you?"
"Oh, that's easy," she replied, "I just call him by his last name."
--------
Two old men decided that since they were so old and probably didn't have much time left on this earth, they would like to have a good time. After a few drinks they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two rooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are too old and drunk, I am not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.
The manager does as she is told and the two old men go up the stairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home, the first one says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!"
"Dead", says his friend, "why would you think that?"
"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."
His friend says, "I think mine was a witch." "A WITCH !!!
What makes you say that?" "Well, I was making love to her, kissing on her neck and I gave her a little bite and then she farted and flew out the window!!
-------
Two strangers a man and a woman traveling on a business trip. Suddenly the woman sneezes she reaches for a tissue and wipes between her legs.
The man couldn't believe his eyes then figured he was just seeing things. Then a few moments later she sneezes again and the same thing she grabs another tissue and wipes between her legs.
Now the man's going nuts, can't believe this is happening. Minutes later it happens again. The man ask "are you sending me signals or what? Why do you wipe between your legs each time you sneeze?"
She replys "I have a strange disorder that causes me to orgasm whenever I sneeze.
The man asked, "What are you taking for it?" The woman responds, "Pepper."
-------
Forrest Gump died and went to heaven, he was stopped at the gates by St. Peter. He said that heaven was nearly full, so anyone coming in must pass a test and can enter only if they passed on the test.
Forrest protests and says God did not make me very smart on earth. How do you expect me to pass? St. Peter replies 'ok, I will give you 3 questions to study and if you pass you can get in. Forrest agrees.
Next day Forrest appears in front of St. Peter. He asks if he was ready so they get started.
1)how many days of the week start with 't'. Forrest says '2' - 'today' and 'tomorrow'. St. Peter is amused but says I will let you try the other 2 questions, but you must be correct to go in.
2)How many seconds are there in a year? Forrest immediately beams and says 12. St. Peter is dumfounded. how did you come up with that? Bubba says well there is Jan 2, Feb 2, March 2 etc. St. Peter is amused but says you must get the last question right.
Let's go on with the next and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure" Forrest replied, "it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter.
"OK, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS HE I'M HIS OWN......"
St. Peter opened the gate and said: "Run, Forrest, Run"
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