If Santa answered his mail honestly...

Dear Santa

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all
yeer yer Frend,

BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a frickin book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa
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Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask
for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love,

Sarah


Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa
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Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd
like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you
can do?

Love

Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door
in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that
dream.

Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Santa
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Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes,
a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love,

Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay,
I'll set you up with a Barbie.

Santa
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Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love,

Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my
face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a
bottle of scotch.

Santa
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Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?

Your friend,

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas,
where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses
while losing money at the craps table.

Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa
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Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when
we're awake, like in the song?

Love,

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do.
I'm skipping your house.

Santa
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Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy


Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that
crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa
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Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love,

Marky

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting
your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you
live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just
like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,

Santa