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Shoveling Snow

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December 8 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down
from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print.
I love snow!



December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole
world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up
the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to
shovel again. What a perfect life!



December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to
worry-we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow
on Christmas would be awful. Bob says we'll have so
much snow by the end of winter that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob Is
such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.



December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The
temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything
sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed
up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and
buried everything again; I didn't realize I would have
to do this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.



December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
extra snow shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife
wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.



December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The
wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very
cruel.



December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours, I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own living room.



December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of
the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a
neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only
hardware store around to see about buying a snow
blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in
March, I think they're lying. Bob says I have to
shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I
think he's lying.



December 20

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold,
it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes
to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and
dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
hire Bob who has a plow blade on his truck for the
rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think
the asshole is lying.



December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today… And it warmed up to 0!
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
this morning. What is she, nuts?! Why didn't she tell
me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I
think she's lying.



December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke
the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I
ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow
plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and
beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
cleared! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the damn snowplow.



December 25

Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn
slop tonight - snowed in! The idea of shoveling makes
my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow
driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him
over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a
bad attitude. I think she's a frickin' idiot! If I
have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time,
I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.



December 26

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.



December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him... he
only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.



December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is
driving me crazy!



December 29

10 more goddammed inches! Bob says I have to shovel
the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest
thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?



December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now
he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the
beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the
broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to
her mother. Nine more inches predicted…



December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.



January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. But why am I tied to the bed?
sanctuary Uploaded 01/12/2009
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