Some Jokes
pattonphillips
Published
07/14/2009
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What do you call a 2-foot angry blue Scotsman named Max?
Max.
Why did the blonde jump off a bridge?
Because she was clinically depressed and wanted to end her life.
How do you stop a clown from smiling?
Hit it with an axe.
How are a plum and a rabbit alike?
They're both purple, except for the rabbit.
Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."
His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus are incapable of feeling fear.
Why did the little boy cry when he sat on Santa's lap?
Santa's boner reminded him of his pedophile father.
What was the pirate movie rated?
PG-13 for violence and brief nudity.
Your momma's so fat, she eats too much and doesn't get proper exercise.
Person 1: Did you hear about what happened at work today?
Person 2: *Confused expression*
Person 1: Oh thats right your deaf...never mind
Why is the sky blue?
Light is made up of electromagnetic waves. The distance between 2 crests in this wave is called the wavelength. White light contains all the colors of the rainbow. The amount of light scattered for any given colour depends on the wavelength of that colour. All the colors in white light have different wavelengths. Red light has the longest wavelength. The wavelength of blue light is about half that of red light. This difference in wavelength causes blue light to be scattered nearly ten times more than red light. Lord Rayleigh studied this phenomena in detail. It is caused the Tyndall effect or Rayleigh scattering. Lord Rayleigh also calculated that even without smoke and dust in the atmosphere, the oxygen and nitrogen molecules would still cause the sky to appear blue because of scattering. When blue light waves try to go straight through an oxygen and nitrogen molecules, its light is scattered in all directions because of this collision. This scattered blue light is what makes the sky blue. All other colors (with longer wavelengths than blue light) are scattered too. Blue light's short wavelength causes it to be scattered the most. (The shorther the wavelength of the color, the more that color gets scattered by the atmosphere). Actually, violet has the shortest wavelength of all colors. Violet is scattered even more than blue light. However, our eyes are much more sensitive to see blue than violet, therefore we see the sky as blue. Very little visible light is absorbed by the atmosphere.
Whats red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
Ok, so a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are in a plane that is going to crash. The captain comes back with two parachutes and yells “Only one of you gets to li-”
The plane explodes in the air. No one survived.
A latvian finds a magic lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie comes out, saying “I will grant you three wishes.” The Latvian is overjoyed. In a rush, he says “I want potato!” “Your wish is granted!” says the genie, and the Latvian finds himself holding a potato. “What is your next wish?” says the genie. “I wish you go away, so I enjoy potato.” So the genie leaves.
Also, that was the only magic lamp that latvian ever found.
Knock knock
Whos there?
John
John who?
How many other Johns do you know? Just open the door.
A preist and a rabbi go to a strip club. Members of their congregation see them entering the club, and they lose respect and eventually their jobs.
A dog walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender realizes how silly this is, and wakes up from his dream. He rolls over and tells his wife about it, who ignores him. He begins to silently cry, knowing that his marriage is falling into shambles.
A priest, a rabbi and a nonreligious person are flying across the Atlantic Ocean, all for different reasons. There is engine trouble, and one of the wings catches fire. The plane starts to go down. Luckily, there are enough parachutes for everyone. Evacuation is orderly.
A duck goes to the pharmacy. He says to the pharmacist, “I need some ointment for my beak. It
is very chapped.” The pharmacist says, “We have nothing for ducks here.”
whats worse than finding a magot in your apple??
being raped!!
‘knock knock’‘whos there?’ ‘the police, your husbands just died’
A stick.
What do you call a 2-foot angry blue Scotsman named Max?
Max.
Why did the blonde jump off a bridge?
Because she was clinically depressed and wanted to end her life.
How do you stop a clown from smiling?
Hit it with an axe.
How are a plum and a rabbit alike?
They're both purple, except for the rabbit.
Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."
His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus are incapable of feeling fear.
Why did the little boy cry when he sat on Santa's lap?
Santa's boner reminded him of his pedophile father.
What was the pirate movie rated?
PG-13 for violence and brief nudity.
Your momma's so fat, she eats too much and doesn't get proper exercise.
Person 1: Did you hear about what happened at work today?
Person 2: *Confused expression*
Person 1: Oh thats right your deaf...never mind
Why is the sky blue?
Light is made up of electromagnetic waves. The distance between 2 crests in this wave is called the wavelength. White light contains all the colors of the rainbow. The amount of light scattered for any given colour depends on the wavelength of that colour. All the colors in white light have different wavelengths. Red light has the longest wavelength. The wavelength of blue light is about half that of red light. This difference in wavelength causes blue light to be scattered nearly ten times more than red light. Lord Rayleigh studied this phenomena in detail. It is caused the Tyndall effect or Rayleigh scattering. Lord Rayleigh also calculated that even without smoke and dust in the atmosphere, the oxygen and nitrogen molecules would still cause the sky to appear blue because of scattering. When blue light waves try to go straight through an oxygen and nitrogen molecules, its light is scattered in all directions because of this collision. This scattered blue light is what makes the sky blue. All other colors (with longer wavelengths than blue light) are scattered too. Blue light's short wavelength causes it to be scattered the most. (The shorther the wavelength of the color, the more that color gets scattered by the atmosphere). Actually, violet has the shortest wavelength of all colors. Violet is scattered even more than blue light. However, our eyes are much more sensitive to see blue than violet, therefore we see the sky as blue. Very little visible light is absorbed by the atmosphere.
Whats red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
Ok, so a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are in a plane that is going to crash. The captain comes back with two parachutes and yells “Only one of you gets to li-”
The plane explodes in the air. No one survived.
A latvian finds a magic lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie comes out, saying “I will grant you three wishes.” The Latvian is overjoyed. In a rush, he says “I want potato!” “Your wish is granted!” says the genie, and the Latvian finds himself holding a potato. “What is your next wish?” says the genie. “I wish you go away, so I enjoy potato.” So the genie leaves.
Also, that was the only magic lamp that latvian ever found.
Knock knock
Whos there?
John
John who?
How many other Johns do you know? Just open the door.
A preist and a rabbi go to a strip club. Members of their congregation see them entering the club, and they lose respect and eventually their jobs.
A dog walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender realizes how silly this is, and wakes up from his dream. He rolls over and tells his wife about it, who ignores him. He begins to silently cry, knowing that his marriage is falling into shambles.
A priest, a rabbi and a nonreligious person are flying across the Atlantic Ocean, all for different reasons. There is engine trouble, and one of the wings catches fire. The plane starts to go down. Luckily, there are enough parachutes for everyone. Evacuation is orderly.
A duck goes to the pharmacy. He says to the pharmacist, “I need some ointment for my beak. It
is very chapped.” The pharmacist says, “We have nothing for ducks here.”
whats worse than finding a magot in your apple??
being raped!!
‘knock knock’‘whos there?’ ‘the police, your husbands just died’
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