A man walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the goddam, mother fucking manager you cock-sucking arsewipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies,"Excuse me, sir, but could you refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the man asks, "Are you the chicken- fucking manager of this bastard joint?"

"Yes, sir, I am," the manager replies, " and could I ask you to refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant."

"Fuck off!" replies the man. " And where's the fucking piano?"

"Pardon?" says the manager.

"Fucking deaf as well are we? You little piece of svivelling shit, show us your pissing piano!"

"Aaaah,"replies the manager. " You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the man to the piano. " Can you play any blues?"

"Of course I fucking can," and the man proceeds to play the most inspiring and honky-tonk blues that the manager had ever heard.

"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"

"I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the man. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the man knows any jazz. The man proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

" I want a wank over the washing machine but my bollocks keeps getting stuck in the soap drawer." The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if the man knows any romantic ballads. The man then plays the most heartbreaking melody.

"And what's that called?" asks the manager.

"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece." replies the man. The manager is highly upset by the man's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talks to any of the custumers.

This arrangement works well for a few months until one night, sitting opposite is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid eyes on. She's wearing an almost see-through dress, her boobs are almost falling out at the top and the skimpy little G-string she is wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots with the butter dripping down her chin. It is too much for the man and he runs off to the lavatory to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'.He is pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice....

"Where's the bloody pianist?" He just has time to shoot his bolt and - in a fluster - runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear: "Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out of your trousers and dripping spunk all over your shoes?"

"Know it?" the pianist replies......

"I fucking wrote it!!"