Have no fear of perfection “youll never reach it.
~Salvador Dali

Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and youll be disconnected.

People like you are the reason people like me take pills!
~Neva Faith Linn

When youre in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, Damn, that was fun.

A smart person knows all the rules so he can break them wisely.
~Lubna Azmi

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.
~H.L. Mencken

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
~Groucho Marx

Reality is a hallucination brought on by lack of drugs.

Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whiskey makes it go round and twice as fast.
~Compton Mackenzie

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
~Woody Allen

I occasionally get birthday cards from fans. But it's often the same message: They hope it's my last.
~Al Forman (former MLB umpire)

The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.
~Bill Cosby

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
~Fred Allen

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.
~Tori Filler

You've reached middle age when all you exercise is caution.
Better to be forgotten than sued.
~Dave Weinbaum

The one time a windshield wiper will work properly is when it's holding a parking ticket.

When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
~Molly McGe

If you think something small can't make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room.