Remember Osama bin Laden? Public enemy number one. We gotta get bin Laden. Then the new season of 'American Idol' came on, we're like, 'Ah, forget it. Whatever.'

You're gonna check my computer records? Is that important? I don't think the government needs to know how I feel about teen Asian sluts in order to fight terrorism.

We had one idiot put a bomb in a shoe, and now everybody's got to take their shoes off? Where's the bra bomber at? I say, if we've gotta wait in line, let's make it fun for everybody.

You can't bring tweezers on an airplane. If I'm on a plane and you try to hijack it with tweezers, I'll whip your ass, man. You think I'm going to be late because you've got tweezers and a bad attitude?

I'm terrified. Every week, it's a new terror alert. It's orange. It's green. It's yellow. Last week, it was like cranberry-cinnamon-butterscotch ripple.

Last time I was out here was not too long after 9/11, and you could not drive a car to the airport at that time. That was one of the first safety precautions: only taxis could go to the airport. Because, really, what better way of stemming the flow of Muslims to the airport than only allowing taxis?