"Sammy Severe" by nustier

So a few buddies and I hit up this local party the other night which was nothing short of a hilariously good time. In traditional fashion, we pre-gamed in the parking lot just before storming in which is certainly customary. Then when we were nice and loose and way ahead of the desired pace...we head in. Knowing damn well I have a tendency to get way too fired up and carried away pre-gaming heavily at times, I was admittedly much drunker then I anticipated getting. As we survey the scene upon arrival, we notice a solid crowd going strong as we search for familiar faces. Then I see him, a large black man standing nearly 7 feet with muscles bursting out of his chest and a perfect head of hair. I knew immediately that it was Sammy Severe. I excitedly tell my buddies that we were among a celebrity and pointed to the hulking battle axe of a man. My friends definitely looked at me like I was nutso and clearly wondered what the hell I was talking about. I quickly explained to them that Sammy Severe is an underrated porn actor who had starred in such classics as Lawrence of Alabia, Lake Flaccid, Gonorrhea in 60 seconds, Independence Gay, Planet of the Rapes, The Penis, Children of the Porn, Savoring Ryan's Privates, and Welcome to the Grundle. I explained to them that he's packing a monster slayer down there and exuberantly pointed out the enormous bulge and cone-shaped outline in his jeans running down the inside of his leg. Surprisingly, my idiot friends were less concerned about his glorious presence and chose to concentrate on some of the names of his movies instead. "The Penis? What kind of name for a porn flick is that?" I unenthusiastically explained that the name "The Penis" had derived from the classic Oscar winning masterpiece "The Pianist" starring Adrien Brody and that they were missing the point of the whole encounter. Then, before I could rattle off some of Sammy Severe's awards and accomplishments he's received for his work and schedule for upcoming movie appearances, my friend says, "Welcome to the Grundle, what does that mean? What's a grundle?" I was stunned and couldn't believe he called himself my friend and would ask an absurd question like that. I unwillingly and unpleasantly explained to him that a man's grundle is quite obviously the rarely traversed area between your B hole and your B sack, and they again looked at me like I was crazy. My agitation continued to escalate of course and I fired back, "You know, your grundle! Also known as your gooch, chode, taint, peterson, chuckle, grissle, your mulch blotch, chimi chonga, cabbage farm, your stanglemeyer, your chowder patch, your steam bog, ya know...your GRUNDLE!!" Everyone around me fell silent due to my overwhelmingly abrasive instruction that had apparently gotten out of hand and was mistaken for a threatening display. People started to back away from me slowly including my "buddies" who had been the cause for this wild scene of commotion in the first place. Then, as eye contact was made when they retreated in terror, I realized that these weren't my buddies at all, and as I looked around I couldn't see or find them anywhere. Then I remembered my friends said they couldn't go out that night and that I would have to fly solo if I really wanted to go to the party. Man, what a crazy night, oh Sammy, let the good times roll. Michael Sisto
Uploaded 05/16/2012
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