Some one liners

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

15. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

16. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

17. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

18. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

19. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

20. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

21. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

22. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

23. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

24. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

25. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

26. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

27. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

28. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

29. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

30. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

31. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

32. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle. He just didn't have the balls to do it.

33. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

34. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

35. A backward poet writes inverse.

36. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. (Corollary: In capitalism, man exploits man, while in communism, it's the other way around.)

37. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

38. Don't join dangerous cults. Practice safe sects!
Uploaded 08/14/2009
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