John Robert Lind had a real hard-on for his co-worker, Pat Maas. One day, when she was returning to her cubicle, she caught him standing in front of her desk with his hands in front of his genitals. When Lind turned around, Maas said he had the look of a “deer in headlights” and quickly ran away. She then noticed a strange odor coming from fluid on her desk, and looked at her nearby coffee mug, and it all, ahem, came together. Maas had been complaining of funny-tasting coffee, and it turns out that Lind had been jerking off into her mug for six months. Because there was no sexual contact, Lind could not be prosecuted for a felony, so police charged him with indecent exposure and lewd behavior, a misdemeanor to which he pleaded guilty.

When working on female patients' mouths, dentist John Hall told them he had a particular remedy to help stop the bleeding: he would then inject some white fluid into their mouths and tell them to swallow. As you've probably guessed by now, this white fluid wasn't Crest toothpaste; it was Hall's man juice. Six former patients testified against him, and his semen was found in several syringes. He ended up losing his dentistry license and spending four months in jail. Dr. Hall gained further notoriety when he attempted to open a new practice in Beliz, but thanks to the interwebs, his past deeds were exposed, and he was shut down.

For 30 years, Mark Berndt, an elementary school teacher in Los Angeles, liked to play a "tasting game" with his young students. He would blindfold them and then feed them cookies... laced with his own jism. The authorities were only alerted to the sick scheme when a drugstore photo printer noticed a lot of photos with young children wearing blindfolds. When police investigated Berndt's classroom, they found a spoon which was tested to find traces of his semen. He eventually pleaded no contest to 23 counts and was sentenced to serve at least 25 years behind bars.

Two female workers at a Pennsylvania Proctor & Gamble paper factory regularly brought their lunches to work and stored them in the lunchroom fridge. When it was time to eat, they routinely noticed a funny taste and a small pinhole in the foil lid of their yogurt cups; this happened at least 13 times. Not sure what was going on, their supervisors notified the FBI who set up a hidden camera. That's when it was discovered that Joseph Bartorillo, a co-worker, routinely injected their yogurt packages with his man fluid. Mr. Bartorillo pleaded guilty and was sentenced to 2 years in prison.

At first, the parents of a 9-year-old girl thought she was having a nightmare—she told her mom and dad that a 6'8” black man had come up to her bedroom window, ordered her to undress and touch herself, and told her he would kill her parents if she refused. When Omaha, Nebraska police arrived at the scene, one intrepid detective noticed a strange stain on the ground near the girl's window. Using DNA technology, they were able to implicate James Barrow, a former basketball player, who pleaded guilty to first-degree sexual assault of a child and now faces up to 50 years in prison.

Attention shoppers: you may want to be wary of Michael Wayne Edwards Jr., who arrested for spraying women with a bottle of semen at two different stores in Gaithersburg, Virginia. Semen squirting seems to be a common tactic of the mentally unstable. A Middletown, NY man named Christopher Hinds also admitted to filling a hand sanitizer with his sperm and flinging it on women in a ShopRite parking lot on at least three separate occasions.

Apparently John Cutlip really hated his boss. Cutlip not only ejaculated into her cup of instant soup, but he also posted a video of himself doing the jerky deed on Facebook. His boss discovered the video when Cutlip's browser was left open at work, but alas it was already after she consumed said soup. He pleaded guilty to reduced charges.

A South Korean woman got more than a mouthful when she bit into a semi-boiled squid. Immediately, according to doctor's reports, she felt a stinging, burning sensation and was rushed to the hospital. It turned out the squid had released spermatophores, which were described as “spindle-shaped, bug-like organisms," 12 of which burrowed into her cheek and tongue.

Here's a sperm attack from another POV: the theft of semen by force. A 33-year-old South African man was held at gunpoint by three women and forced into the back of a BMW. When he refused to have sex with them, they forced him to drink an aphrodisiac and raped him by the side of the road. Afterwards, they saved his semen in a baggie, put it in a cooler, and sped off into the night. According to police reports, there have been similar assaults of men in several South African provinces.

Finally, we'll leave you with a semen attack that has to do with not spewing enough of it. Sadie Bell, 58, of Michigan was having sex with her boyfriend. After he had an orgasm, she felt that he didn't have a big enough load and concluded he was cheating on her. Never mind the fact that the man was having an affair with Sadie and had been married for 15 years, she shot him in the ass, and he was in the hospital for three weeks.