When police in Stillwater, Minnesota first encountered her, Ashley Brooker was manically digging through her car in a hospital parking lot, searching for her boyfriend's severed finger. Her face exhibited multiple scars, as if she'd been gnawed on by a famished wolverine who'd just finished a very taxing no-carb diet.Upon questioning, Brooker remembered that the finger wasn't missing after all she'd just delivered her boyfriend to the hospital for a minor injury. Nor had she been assaulted by a dieting wolverine. Her facial wounds had magically arrived during a six-day meth bender. But her conspicuous parking lot search did lead the cops to bust her boyfriend for possession.

Edgard Dubon was prepared for the caper of a lifetime. At 3:30 a.m. in Darien, Connecticut, he dove into a large charity bin used by people to drop off unwanted clothes for the poor. If he was lucky, he would walk away from his epic heist with a complete wardrobe of plus-sized floral dresses. Perhaps even a Connecticut Huskies T-shirt!Sadly, Dubon neglected to properly chart his getaway. Once inside the bin, he found himself unable to climb back out. He tried calling the charity for assistance, but no one answered the phone. Nor could he call a friend, since assholes who rip off charities tend to be short in this department. That left him one option: 911.Despite being overcome by laughter and mockery, fire crews managed to use bolt cutters to rescue the dimwitted bandit. Dubon was charged with larceny and criminal mischief.

Susan Cole She was hoping to avoid jury duty, since it would interfere with her jetsetting career selling anti-aging cream for Mary Kay. So Susan Cole showed up for her casting call dressed as an Alabama trophy wife pretending to be crazy complete with mismatched shoes, curlers in her hair, and enough makeup to build chemical weapons for the Syrian government. A judge promptly dismissed her.She would have gotten away with it -- if she hadn't called in to a Denver radio show to boast of her cunning performance. A judge happened to be listening and ordered Cole tracked down. In November, she pleaded guilty to perjury and attempted influence of a public servant.

A 39-year-old man faces a disciplinary hearing and possible suspension from the Burglary Stick-Up Man's Union for violating its professional code of conduct during a robbery in Bradenton, Florida. Just after midnight, Cedrick Mitchell burst into a hotel room demanding pills. When the two occupants said they had none, he pulled a gun and asked for "everything you got." What they had was pepper spray. Which they used to blast Mitchell in the face. The savvy robber fled. Only later did he realize that he'd dropped his gun in the room. A forlorn Mitchell was forced to return to the hotel, where he begged his former victims to sell him back the weapon for 40. At which point he was pepper-sprayed again.

Like any good professional, Dr. Michele Koo uses her website to advertise her skills. The problem is that she's a plastic surgeon. Her specialty is breast enlargement. And her patients weren't happy that she was posting their before-and-after boob shots complete with their full names on her website for the entire world to see.One patient said she was unaware of the St. Louis doctor's advertising until she was traveling for work. She noticed that some IT guys in an office she was visiting were treating her oddly. That's when a colleague asked her if she'd ever searched her name in Google images. When the woman did so, she was horrified to find that the internet was awash with photos of her rebuilt mammaries. A lawyer representing the woman discovered that Koo may have featured up to 29 patients on her website.

Thirty-five-year-old Ashley Holton was out for a drive in Ocala, Florida when she was struck by rampaging sexual urges that Just. Couldn't. Wait. So she pulled over on the highway, got out of her car wearing only a pink shirt, and began to engage in masturbatory delight. This naturally caught the attention of fellow motorists, who began to back up traffic and make U-turns in hopes of finding better seats for this extraordinary one-woman play. It would take a half-hour before the cops arrived, but let it not be said that Lady Holton lacks stamina. Bummed that officers had interrupted her public bout of self-pleasuring, she bit and kicked a cop who tried to wrestle her pants back on. Then, back at the jail, Holton "continued to resist the officers by spreading her legs, exposing her vagina and telling the officers to kiss her there," according to the arrest report.

The next time the L.A. Fire Department hires, it may wish to administer an IQ test to ensure that successful applicants score north of room temperature. Take fireman Rafael Davis. Like work-averse Americans everywhere, he decided it would be way better to file a workers' comp claim than rescue kittens from burning tree forts. But instead of laying low during his three years on disability, Davis chose to moonlight in mixed martial arts, running up an impressive 12-2 record. Unfortunately, publicly beating people can get conspicuous -- especially when your fight footage makes it way to YouTube. Davis pleaded guilty to felonious inability to run a scam.

Nicole Denzer considers her vagina a multi-purpose household appliance, perfect for serving as everything from a birth canal to a mobile storage unit. Police in Minnesota discovered its unique cargo handling abilities when she was pulled over in a traffic stop and the cops found drugs in her car. When she was taken to jail, a drug sniffing dog showed particular interest in her crotch though in a strictly platonic way. That's when Denzer confessed that she was storing seventeen grams of meth and a pipe in her vaginal unit, apparently because its vacuum seal qualities better maintain meth's freshness and bouquet of flavor.

He doesn't have much luck with the ladies. Maybe it's because he takes his fashion cues from a 1974 photo of Lynyrd Skynyrd. Or maybe it's because Foley believes urinating on women's chairs is the ultimate go-to move in the dance of seduction. For months, employees at the West Des Moines, Iowa Farm Bureau office noticed that their chairs had unexplained stains. They couldn't figure out the cause, so they installed cameras. That's when Foley was caught on film sneaking into the office on a Saturday to pee on an attractive coworker's chair. It seems that Foley, an IT geek at the bureau, would scour the agency's employee data base for beautiful women, then secretly commence the rhumba of romance by peeing on their chairs. After all, there's nothing like the scent of a Greyhound station men's room to stir the loins of the most elusive female.

As the ancient proverb goes, "Money can't buy love or an ability to hold your liquor." Proof comes in the form of George Boedecker Jr., cofounder of the Crocs footwear empire, who was found passed out in his 80,000 Porsche in Boulder, Colorado. When confronted by police, Boedecker refused a sobriety test, threatened to get "medieval" on the officers, and encouraged them to sodomize each other in ways that didn't seem particularly romantic. Boedecker also claimed that his girlfriend, Taylor Swift, had been driving the car earlier in the evening, but had somehow teleported back to Nashville. Police believe there's no merit to the girlfriend claim, citing as evidence the lack of a Taylor Swift break-up song involving a shoe magnate.

Alicia Martin and Kathryn Rayannic were on a bender at the Waterfront bar in St. James, Florida when they ran out of loot mid-binge. That's when they decided to mine their natural resources in hopes of securing auxiliary funding. They began to approach male patrons, promising to show them their boobs if they would buy the ladies some beers. Alas, they were confronted by a bear market. Of the five men they approached, none thought their breastacular performance worthy of the cost of two beers. The critical reviews also led employees to usher our fair vixens from the joint. Apparently bummed over failing to meet her sales quota, Martin punched one employee in the head in the parking lot, then tried to attack another with a knife. The ladies were charged with disorderly conduct, battery, and assault with a deadly weapon.

You could say Baron Calmese Jr. and his four-year-old nephew inherited very different genetics. He's a career criminal. His nephew, the Warren Buffet of the toddler set, had already saved 500 in his piggy bank before he was even eligible for kindergarten. That left Calmese, who was living with his sister in Missouri, to seek a loan from the piggy bank. His sister agreed to let him take 2. But Calmese decided it would be way better to steal it all. When police asked him what he'd done with his bounty, he promptly confessed: "Man, I bought a piece of ass and some heroin."

Southern Methodist University may wish to rethink its business curriculum. Evidence suggests its students are woefully lacking in the basic art of the commercial transaction. Meet Uchenna Nwabuike, a linebacker for SMU's football team. Unable to score a woman who didn't require payment, he hired an escort for 50, taking her back to his off-campus home to engage in bonerific studies. But when the transaction was complete, Nwabuike stiffed the hooker on the 50, then left for a banquet, leaving her alone at his home. That's when the ever-resourceful escort decided to arrange an alternative payment plan. When Nwabuike returned home, he found that he was now missing two flat screen TVs, two Xbox 360s, three laptops, and a PlayStation 3.

A woman was escorting her 10-year-old cousin to soccer practice when she says Victor Espinoza grabbed the boy in an attempted kidnapping. As you may have guessed, Espinoza doesn't score highly in agility tests. The kid escaped, running to his soccer coach. The coach then tackled Espinoza, but it's apparently difficult to keep a 435-pound man contained when he's not being fully compliant. Espinoza fled in what's being described as the slowest getaway in Santa Ana, California history. He was later arrested behind a nearby home trying to hide under his own chin.

Experienced criminals know that when robbing a bank, it's generally unwise to provide the teller with your name and Social Security number. This valuable career advice was lost on 19-year-old Jacory Walker. He went to the 1st Convenience Bank in Waxahachie, Texas to make a withdrawal. Since he didn't know his account number, he provided the teller his name and Social Security number. His mission was thwarted by insufficient funds. Alas, Walker still needed money. So he returned ten minutes later, this time claiming to have a gun. The teller handed him a pile of loot. Walker fled to a nearby apartment complex, only to be nabbed by police. He is now believed to have the shortest bank robbery career in U.S. history -- a scant seven minutes between his heist and arrest.

Like many an older man, 80-year-old Charles Bergeron Jr. was worried about his testosterone levels. If he didn't do something to thwart their decline, he might begin to express a fondness for fine art or exotic vegetables that aren't sold in a can.So he started inviting young boys to his Westlake, Louisiana home, plying them with liquor, Xanax and Soma, then performing oral sex on them after they passed out. "He said he told them that he was an old man and needed testosterone... needed their semen to live, basically," said prosecutor Cynthia Guillory.

Pedophilia tends to be a secretive hobby, lest one find oneself in state-funded housing sharing a room with an unsympathetic carjacker named Big Otis. But Kenneth Cyrus failed to read the instruction manual. He decided to upload child porn to his Facebook page for all the world to see. When Facebook discovered that someone was loading child porn on its servers, the company called the cops. Phoenix police raided Cyrus' home, finding 100 photos of naked kids believed to be under the age of 10. No word on whether Mrs. Cyrus approved of her husband's hobby, or would have preferred he take up scrapbooking.

For reasons unknown, Heather Hodges wanted to get the 13-year-old son of her live-in boyfriend in trouble. Unfortunately, the kid apparently wasn't very good at getting into trouble on his own. So Hodges chose to help him out. Before he left for school in Montgomery County, Texas, she secretly stuffed an unloaded pistol on his backpack, then made an anonymous call to tip administrators that the eighth-grader had brought a gun to school. The kid endured hours of grilling before the cops finally believed that he had no idea where the gun came from. That's when they traced the call to a pay phone at a convenience store, which showed Hodges making the tip. She denied her involvement until confronted by the video. She's since been charged with felony sucking as a girlfriend.

Rebecca Burrell is wicked hot. Just ask her. But even beautiful people have problems like when they want to sext explicit photos but don't have a photographer on hand. So Burrell decided to think outside the box, getting her daughters ages nine and 11 to fill in as her camera crew. The Humble, Texas woman instructed the girls to capture a series of elegant poses in which mom "bent over and touched the floor with her buttocks in the air" and generally exposed the bounty of her womanly fruits. Her boyfriend was so delighted that the girls received a return missive showing his penis in all its glory. When the cops found out, Burrell taught her daughters a valuable lesson in self-sufficiency, telling detectives they were "liars." What better way to teach them to stand on their own two feet in both life and police investigations? Unfortunately, the girls proved more believable than mom. Burrell was charged with indecency with a child.

In August, Marion County, Florida farmhand Carlos Romero was arrested for having sex with a miniature donkey. A detective said he admitted to getting intimate with the animal on multiple occasions, confessing that he found hoofed beasts more capable of lasting relationships. Donkeys, according Romero, won't "stab you in the back, give you diseases, lie to you." They're also "100 percent honest," he added. But since he doesn't speak fluent donkey, Romero couldn't be sure that the animal wasn't complaining to its girlfriends behind his back.

For 30 years he was a deputy for the Boulder County, Colorado Sheriff's Department. When he wasn't fighting crime, Rick Ferguson conducted youth outreach from the computer in his patrol car, chatting with young girls about sex and, well, more sex. You know. To help them with their anatomy homework. But a crack detective he wasn't. Ferguson was apparently unaware that squad car computers can be monitored. A county IT geek noticed his "unusual activity" and informed some real detectives, who raided Ferguson's house. Our hero ended up pleading guilty to three child perv felonies.

Holly Soloman is so anti-Obama that she could have her own primetime slot on Fox News. But even Sean Hannity might be alarmed by how she deals with her political enemies -- especially when she's married to them. Soloman was pissed that her husband, Daniel, failed to vote in the last election, believing that an Obama victory would be ruinous to her family. So she jumped in her Jeep and tried to run hubby down. Daniel initially avoided the oncoming vehicle, but police admit his 40-time leaves something to be desired. Holly eventually pinned him to a curb beneath the Jeep, fracturing his pelvis and tearing arteries. She was subsequently appointed Rick Santorum's campaign manager.

Sixty-seven-year-old Donald Ingerson spent decades teaching science and coaching high school baseball in St. Louis before retiring last spring. But unbeknownst to administrators, he also served as the student advisor to his own Creepy Old Guy's Sexual Assault Club. Ingerson molested two students during his career one in 1974 and the other in 1995. Neither incident was reported, and Ingerson thought the statute of limitations had expired. So he called police to confess his sins, hoping to clear his conscience without the burden of actually going to prison.Yet in a testament to America's declining math skills, the teacher failed to properly calculate the statute of limitations. When he voluntarily appeared to discuss his past with detectives, he was promptly arrested.

Kellie Park was on the outs with the father of her 10-month-old daughter. So to win him back -- or just to be a dick -- she began to film herself abusing the little girl, then sending the clips to her former beau. The videos showed Park kicking a baby gate on top of the girl, encouraging her to "eat stuff off the floor," and throwing food at her. Her fifty texts were accompanied by loving, motherly passages like "I'll ... break her face," ''I'll beat her ... face in" and "I love abusing this kid."

Jeffie Melder and his wife Shelly had an adventurous marriage. When he was at sea as a tugboat operator, Shelly would beam footage via webcam of her having sex with numerous men and women back at their Groveton, Texas home. But their unique brand of romance left the rails when Jeffie -- yes, that's his real name convinced his wife to have a threesome with an eight-year-old boy. When Shelly told a friend of the episode, Jeffie worried that police would come calling. So he phoned a child welfare hotline to turn his wife in, hoping to save himself. Unfortunately, detectives deduced that Jeffie had orchestrated the pedorific threesome. He was sentenced to 130 years in the slam.