Best. Skywriting. Evar. Seen over LA on Saturday. twitter.com/vpisteve/statu…

— Steve Peters (@vpisteve) May 15, 2013

.@abercrombie fuck you guys, I have a beautiful body. How dare you deny me my right to wear whatever clothes I want. twitter.com/CYComedy/statu…

— Chris Young (@CYComedy) May 16, 2013

I'm wearing my apple-bottom jeans, but I can't find my boots with the fur. So pissed.

— Zach Braff (@zachbraff) May 5, 2013

Adopt a shitload of orphans and the media calls you a weirdo but have a mastectomy & suddenly you’re awesome, you just can’t fucking win.

— Aspersioncast (@Aspersioncast) May 16, 2013

Who let the owls out? Who? Who? Who?

— Kevin Panetta (@PanettaSexyTime) May 5, 2013

If Kate Middleton doesn't say "Willy - yum!" when she's giving Prince William a head job, then clearly she's no fun.

— Meow (@SpanishFly27) May 16, 2013

(•_•)<))/ /\ All the single ladies (•_•)\((> /\ All the single ladies (•_•)<))/ /\ Oh oh ohhhh

— Kyyyle (@Niche_Weird) May 18, 2013

Ever since my nan went senile all she does all day is stare through the window, maybe in this cold weather I should let her in.

— maddie (@maddie11_Anders) April 20, 2012

Just ate 4 Subway footlongs. When do I get skinny?

— J Martinez (@TitansHomer) May 21, 2013

So if ha'penny is half a penny, then happiness is half a penis?

— Naazihah (@naazihah) May 19, 2013

Guide to being Superman:1. Wear sweet tights and cape.2. Gel hair back like a suave motherfucker.3. Fly around the world saving bitches.

— Jensen Marie (@jensenmarie_) May 22, 2013

1993: Be Kind, Rewind2013: Be Neat, Retweet

— Just_Ben_ (@Benjamin4501) January 9, 2013

Ladies, just a quick tip on how to make a boring t-shirt fun.Add water.

— Chopper (@chopper4jk) May 23, 2013

Ikea.The devil in disguise.I DON'T FUCKING NEED TEA LIGHTS.*buys pack of 100* goes back and swaps for 200. Cheaper.

— Main Heckle (@MauriceMinchin) May 24, 2013

They played Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style back to back at the wedding I'm about to leave

— sean (@gagging) May 26, 2013

Just saw a car with the Dad scratched off of the My Family stickers.Can't blame him. I'd leave too if you put that shit on my car.

— Bonitargh! (@bonita__bonita) May 17, 2012

I came home tonight shitfaced, climbed into bed, and started rubbing my wife's cock. At that exact moment I realized I was in the wrong apt.

— Jimmy Russo (@livingnBoston) March 9, 2011

What's the First Rule of Alzheimers Club again?

— Bob Kostic (@causticbob) May 26, 2013

Gosh, I'm not hungry enough for a bowl. Do you maybe have just a cup of dicks I could eat?

— Dally Doll (@DallyDoll) May 1, 2013

If you open and close the fridge enough times something you want to eat is going to magically appear.

— Fuzzy LePimp (@FuzzyPimple) May 27, 2013