A fellow player was haggling with a merchant. PC: I'll give ya 125 for it. DM: How about 135? PC: 128. DM: 130. PC: 131! DM: SOLD!

A halfling rogue was spying on an enemy encampment. He spotted a goblin, also spying on said encampment. His player says "In goblin I say shh!"

Paladin: "OK. I shall kill one of them as a gesture of good will"

From a Star Wars game: The party had cornered a Dark Jedi. The PC Jedi then proceeded to cut both of the Dark Jedi's legs off with his lightsaber--in a non-combat situation. When it was clear that his action didn't sit well with the rest of us, he said "what? It's not like I killed him!"

Players were in a town, haggling for some much needed supplies. They had impressed upon the shopkeep how poor they were, and had made some successful rolls to convince him to significantly lower his prices by half... Then, a player chimed in, "Hey, will he take this 5000gp ruby and give us change?"

- You arrive in a town after weeks of traveling . The town is in front of you, the forest is behind you. What do you do? - I turn around and go to the forest! - Why? - To climb a tree! - Why??? - To gather pinecones! - Why?!?!? - To sell in town!

Wizard (looking over her spell list): "I could make a sound down that hallway to draw them over there, then you could sneak up behind them." Rogue (suddenly very excited): "Really? You'd go do that?!" Wizard (disgusted): "I didn't mean me, you ding-dong. I meant I could cast ghost sound." Rogue (profoundly disappointed): "Oh."

DM: "A towering figure of unspeakable evil sits beyond the altar." (Shows picture) PC6 (looking at picture):"Oh, It's not that horrible."

PC5: "Have you seen you a small boy running for fear, as if for his life?" PC1: "Because we're chasing him."

NPC: "Have you done no deeds worthy of song?" Paladin: "Yes, but unfortunately the bard who would sing them is currently dominated, evil and unconscious"

After killing orcs at the top of a dark staircase, the rogue was worried about more orcs possibly being downstairs. So he drags one of the orc corpses over to the stairwell, pauses dramatically at the edge, then quickly tilts the corpse's head over the edge, as if it's taking a quick look. The other players look at him like he's nuts. "Hey, they don't know we're not orcs,"

GM: "Okay, they had 345 silver and 14,318 copper pieces." Rogue: "Why is it that everything in Undermountain has a hundred pounds of pennies? What, are they all panhandling on level 3?" GM: "I don't know. It's in the module. Maybe they've been picking through the couch cushions for loose change." Rogue: "F-cking couch monsters. I hate 'em."

Warrior, diagnosing a crewmate: "She's not dead. She's just a little bit squishy." Scientist/Pirate with the medkit: "I don't even know how to begin to treat squishiness.

GM: "On the other side of the door, you see a drow warrior in dark plate mail, wielding a dire flail!" Rogue (not involved in this fight): "Oh... what a loser." GM: "What?" Rogue: "A dire flail? Folks, meet the saddest drow fighter in the Underdark, the poor bastard who got stuck with the dorkiest weapon they had. Look out! He spent three feats just so he could be almost as good as a real fighter with a real weapon! ...Hey, good luck with that dire flail, there, champ. Mind your kneecaps on the backswing." [the dire-flail-wielding fighter then proceeded to lose initiative and got killed in one round, before he could even take a swing at anyone.] Rogue: "Told you so." Wizard's player: "I think you just shamed that guy into dying quickly."

Vampire game going on; Caitiff troubleshooter was interrogating the Toreador primogen of Long Island. The Toreador had survived a brutal supernatural assault but had lost all his fingers in the process, and he had just revealed that he had been wearing rings on each of his fingers at the time. Caitiff: "You were wearing ten rings? What, are you Liberace?"

Pilot: "I think Turan might have threatened Amara." Aristocrat: "Could be. She threatens a lot of people."

Farscape: "Wait, so not only do you have to fly these ungrateful bastards around the universe, but when you talk to them you have to talk like a retard?!"

Priestess (looking for traps): "I take the spear and stick it in every possible hole"

DM: "The first enemy drops" Me (Ranger): "I sh*t on the other one" (wanted to say shot...)

The PCs had captured one of the bad guys and had him chained to a wall in a cave far from civilization. The Chaotic Good Paladin then proceeded to torture the helpless captive for information. When we all gave him that look (you know the one), he simply said, "your version of good is different from mine."

Our party entered a room where a dead man sat upon a throne, a note clutched tightly in his hand. The rogue in the party looked at the note and said--with a straight face--"he probably wrote that before he died."