"I'm sorry you feel that way." -- "I'm not responsible, even if you're on fire and I lit the match."

"Why are you so mad?" -- "I couldn’t be happier I made you lose your cool while I get to act like the calm one you really, really, really should punch in the face."

"Be Right There" -- "I have on only one sock, it’s barely past my toes, and I will start looking for my other clothes right after I know it’s too late to do any good."

"I thought you knew." --"I never told you a God damn thing about this but hey, I made you upset again so another win for me!"

"Can't you take a joke?"--"I said the nastiest thing I could say about you in the most cowardly, indirect way I could, but I phrased it in a funny way so what right do you have to be mad?"

"Fine."--"I’m sulking because I don’t have the emotional maturity to tell you I’m mad. So I’ll just cross my arms, avoid eye contact, pout, and do whatever else I should have stopped doing by age two."

"Not my fault you want everything perfect."--"I couldn’t procrastinate anymore so I ended up doing a half-assed job."

"I would love to!"--"You bitch. This is the last time I do anything for you."

"What did I do?"--"You caught me, but if I keep feigning ignorance your day will be ruined, too."

"Mumble mumble mumble..."--"I had my say. Yeah, I totally told you off. But you couldn’t hear it so I don’t have to defend anything I did say and mumble mumble mumble…"