Take a look at the state of the U.S. and it's easy to slip into despair. Our infrastructure is crumbling, everything is expensive and anyone who could have prevented it spent a few decades hanging out with a “financier” on an island doing Lord knows what.

Thankfully, the government has studied these problems and prepared a response. Unfortunately, that response is “taking a dump in the bed.” As evidence, look no further than the social media site X, where the FBI is now investing a portion of its $10+ billion budget into responding to people who make fun of the government.

The account is called “FBI Rapid Response” — though they don’t mean “rapid response” in the fireman-coming-to-save-you sense. It’s more the “thirsty guy who likes all of your beach pictures the second after you post them” meaning of the phrase. The account launched with a post promising to “communicate more than any FBI ever before and more directly with the American people about the important work we’re doing,” and a declaration that the “days of bad-faith attacks and fake-news narratives are over.

Since then, all the account has done is retweet other people in the government, post publicly available information and make a variety of misleading statements. Truly, money and time well spent!

Seriously: no one cares about your PR effort. Just release the files you said you were going to and we’ll go from there. Heck, you can even just start with the rest of the JFK files — or is there something you want to admit about MLK Jr.?