Dead Olympic Sports

Not all olympic sports have stood the test of time. Here is an inventory of the mighty dead.



(Frenchmen compete for the honor of being a historical laughing stock)

Once upon a time Croquet was featured in the Olympics, the idea being that even sluggish, upperclass dilettantes should be allowed to win something besides the game of life. All seven medals in the event were awarded to France who fielded the only players except one Belgian who wandered off due to boredom.


(Glima wrestlers invent the game of Twister)

One of the more awesome sports that didn’t make it, Icelandic folk wrestling, also known as Glima, requires both wrestlers to stand erect as they grapple. The result is that every take down is pretty much a tooth shattering body slam. Each year the Glima champion is crowned and becomes an unwitting homosexual icon.


Tug of War

In the European Dark Ages, Viking warriors would prepare for battle by pulling either end of an animal skin in order to drag their opponents into an open pit of fire. The sport was later changed to an event in which two groups of mindless muscle men pull on rope in order to receive shiny medals and fruit snacks.


Pistol Dueling

(A pistol duelist may practice alone by turning the gun on himself)

The game begins with an angry virgin making a dishonorable remark about the virginity of another angry virgin’s cousin. One angry virgin gets shot and dies a virgin; the other gets to bang the slutty cousin who gives birth to his 15 children before dying of scarlet fever.

Pistol dueling was outlawed the same year as incest.



(Bellboys take their masters' horses for a joyride)

Polo players ride horses and swing mallets around like retarded minibosses from Kirby’s Dreamland as they try to knock a ball into the opposition’s goal. Historically, polo is a sport enjoyed by privileged white people. Today it is also a shirt enjoyed by privileged white people.


Hot Air Ballooning

This sport became popular after the Hindenburg curbed interest in hot hydrogen ballooning. Balloonists would compete by seeing who could float in the air longest without getting bored. Competitors who finished their tea without spilling were congratulated and ranked based on quality of the crumpets their wives made.

Uploaded 07/17/2012
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