I was having a couple drinks when I started reminiscing about something that makes me chuckle every time.
Many moons ago, I fell head over heals for this chick who worked at one of the stores I frequented at the mall. I was never one to be nervous around women, so it really fucked me up when I would see her, because I would be at a loss for words.
One day at school, my buddies and I blew off all our lectures, and spent the day hot-boxing my friend's mom's car, and then hitting Taco Bell. After gorging ourselves on an abundance of the greatest laxative known to man, we decided to go down a few pints, accompanied by some spicy chicken wings. After a few hours of playing Golden Tee, everyone wanted to bail. Brimming with liquid courage, I decided to head to the mall and make a move on the woman of my dreams.
I entered the store around closing time, walked right up to her and asked her if she wanted to go grab a coffee or something. I was both taken aback and pleasantly surprised at her positive response. She was totally up for it. She told me to hold on a few minutes while she closed the store.
As I was waiting outside, I felt the most massive build up of pressure in my stomach that I've ever felt in my life. The kind of pressure that would work its way up in unbearable waves, subside after a few minutes, only to return with a vengeance. I contemplated running to the washroom and relieving my self of the agony, but I knew that would have taken me at least twenty minutes...Kind of time I didn't have.
After about five minutes, she came out, "So, you ready?"
I'll never forget those words, because all I was thinking about was how ready I really was...To shit myself.
"Let's go!" I replied, and we started walking to the exit.
As we were walking, I felt the pressure return, this time to the point of making me nauseous. Suddenly I stopped, pretending to have to tie my shoe. She continued a couple steps ahead of me before she stopped, so I thought it would be safe to relieve some of the built up pressure, get up, and keep walking.
Good plan, until I tried to squeeze one out and shat myself. I froze as I felt the nasty warm liquid saturate my gitch. I started to sweat, thinking she would catch a whiff of the nastiness emulating from my ass, when I spotted the sign for the restrooms close to the exit.
"Gimme one sec.." was all I could muster before shuffling to the washroom. I got into a stall and dropped my pants and underwear. I was more than pleased to see that my underwear contained the bulk of the disaster. It being winter, I took off my boots, pants, and underwear clean off. I went through two rolls of toilet paper trying to clean up the mess before I realized that I needed some soap and water to come even close to some semblance of clean.
I left the stall naked from the waist down, immediately throwing my soiled undergarments in the trash. Sure enough, the towel dispensers were all empty. I looked high and low for a solution, when it hit me. I tore off my socks and wet them in soap and warm water, giving me the perfect tools in my quest for a clean ass. After drying up with some toilet paper, I put my boots and pants back on and headed outside.
"You okay?"she asked.
"No, I'm feeling a little bit under the weather...But can I give you a ride home?"
"Sure. I'd like that."
As we pulled up to her place, she gave me a kiss on the cheek, then went to leave the car, but not before saying with a smile, "Nothing worse than shitting your pants in public, huh?"
To this day, my wife still has the uncanny ability to make me laugh out loud when I feel like shit...pun intended.