So I have been away for about a month... And I missed my eBaums world.

I just have been so busy at work latley. I missed you people.

I did have a three day weekend that just ended... and my wife was out of town.

When my wife came home last Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me asleep on the couch having done nothing but drink beer and play xbox all day, she yelled, "Watch yourself, Mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do."
I thought......"I can't believe it - I'm going to get a fucking blowjob out of this!"

My wife was also complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.

This whole marrage thing is new to me... I get very nervous after sex, as I normally have the police after me.

I was just thinking, you can say what you like about paedophiles, but they're generous with their sweets! That reminds me of one of my first girlfriends... She said she had this rape fantasy that she'd always wanted to try out.
I really regretted doing it though. My arsehole for a week, and she said she would kill my pet rabbit if I told my parents.

I'm not saying we should kill all the stupid people in the world,
I'm just saying we should remove the warning labels from everything and let the problem take care of itself. Go Darwin.

I really love my wife you know... When I first took her out, she looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to dance, she looked at me, giggled and smiled. When we first made love, she looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to marry me, she looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her if she enjoyed our first wedding anniversary celebrations, she looked at me, giggled and smiled. That's when it finally dawned on me that she was mentally handicapped.

All this talk of dangerous, genetically modified, food tasting horrible is nonsense. I mean, just today I had a delicious leg of salmon.

FEMALE GEOGRAPHY

- Between 18 and 25, a woman is like Africa : wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas.
- Between 26 and 34, a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money.
- Between 35 and 44, a woman is like India : sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty.
- Between 45 and 54, a woman is like France : deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit.
- Between 55 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is mostly the only answer.
- Between 61 and 65, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontier. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors.
- Between 66 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future.
- After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan or the north pole: many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there...


MALE GEOGRAPHY

- Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe or America : ruled by a dick...

I was just thinking...
People think Stephen Hawking is so clever, but when you ask him a question and he is typing in the answer on his little screen, how do we know he isn't just looking up the answer on the Internet?

I definitely do not understand women. My wife says I should be more like her 'perfect' gay male friend, but she screamed alot, and went to stay at her mothers when I tried to shag her up the ass.