so in previous blogs ive written about funny stories ive encountered at work. so as some of you know i worked as security for private dancers for 7 years. i worked mostly in hollywood, so as you can imagine, i come across some really twisted shit. some funny, some deeply disturbing. by deeply, i mean the kind that can make you question human sexuality and cause a deep desire to scrub your own skin off with a brillo pad in an attempt to make the dirty go away. by funny, i mean so enormously humorous you will laugh so hard your testicles will tingle. this story is a mix of both.
a few years back a dancer and i did a show in a little shitbag motel in la. this place hadnt been redecorated since the 70s and had a tv older than me. imagine orange shag carpet and a tv with the fake wood siding and the vhf uhf knobs on it. classy place right? i should have known right then and there that this was going to be an interesting night. our customer was a younger white guy who had just been released from prison that day( second clue right? i know, fuck off dont judge me).
anyhoo, the dancer always has to be paid up front. so she asks for the money and the guy asks her to hold on, where he presently takes his pants off, jumps on the bed on all fours, and begins to dig in his ass searching for his money. admittedly shocked, she asked him why he had his money in his ass and he replied it was a trick he learned in prison. he would put the money in a sandwich bag and cram it up there for safekeeping. he asked her to help since it had gotten stuck and she promptly refused. fast forward ten to fifteen minutes and our heroin finally witnesses the removal of the money.
only their was a problem, the baggy had broken in his ass. as you can imagine, the money had become quite...soiled... i guess the guy had never heard of the ziploc yellow and blue make green seal baggies. anyway, the company we worked for still demanded we take the money so he gave us a clean bag and then on with the show! at the end of the night, i drew the short straw and was forced to be paid with the poo money. but it was alright, i had a plan.
it was a dastardly plan, i admit, but one that served as a mission of justice. you see, my car note was due the next day, and the lady whom i paid at the bank was an evil wicked bitch. im not sure what her problem was, but she was always in a foul mood and seemed more than happy to take it out on customers. i had repeatedly complained and nothing had been done. justice needed to be served, so i put on gloves and neatly packed the poo bucks into an envelope and sealed it.
the next day i went to pay the bill and sure enough, the wicked bitch was the one to help me. as always she had her snooty attitutude as i tossed her the sealed envelope and proceeded to watch the show. she opened the envelope and pulled out the bills, constantly licking her finger in between bills to count the money. i had to turn away to keep from laughing hysterically. she printed a receipt which i refused(shed been touching the poo bucks after all) and i booked it out of there as fast as i could.
i dont know how it never occured to her, as the bills reaked and were brown stained in spots, but she never figured it out. it was a quiet moment of victory for me which i enjoy to this day. im all for sticking it to the man you see, and that day, the little guy came out on top. FIN
i am sindicate and i am the purveyor of the poo money