Quitting... again.

Last week the boyfriend and I tried to quit smoking at the same time.   It lasted 4 hours.  On our way back from getting ice cream, he bought a pack of smokes.

He didn't give me an explanation, in fact we didn't even talk about it... I assumed we gave up quitting.    So unlike any other day where we each go through a pack and a half a day, we smoked.   The next morning I woke up to find that my boyfriend had taken the remainder of our cigarettes with him to work.  Not knowing if he decided to quit again, I tried to buy a pack at 3 stores, all of which would not sell any to me.   (I'm 22, but I guess I don't look my age).   After that I began to panic and flip out - my boyfriend is very lucky to have been at work at the time.   I sent him an email asking him to bring home smokes at the end of the day, because I couldn't buy any on my own.   He didn't get back to me.

So, I decided to tough it out.   I didn't have a choice, unless I wanted to smoke discarded butts.  I have to admit that I was tempted, but did not give in.     When it all came down to it, it wasn't THAT bad.  Sure, I had massive cravings that made me want to punch shit, but there were actual times where I was able to focus elsewhere, and actually not think/crave about it.   I went the whole day without snapping out... and then my boyfriend got home.

I guess he did get my email, cause he brought home 2 packs of smokes.    I rushed through the "Hey how was your day" and lit one up.  Two puffs in, I started to feel light headed.  I expected that because it happens every time I go longer than 4 hours without one... but this time it was bad.  I felt sick to my stomach, and got an instant throbbing headache.   It was then I had to decide which was the lesser of two evils.   I thought "I want to quit, and will eventually... this is what I'll have to go through either way.  I know that if I fail and give up, I will regret it, and at least would have to start over".    I don't know where that thought came from during my light headed experience, but I put my smoke out (after 2 hauls) and said out loud  "Fuck it, I quit".

And that's when it got really hard.  My boyfriend and I have communication issues... we agree on most things, but if we don't, it can be quite a problem.   Instead of supporting my newly found decision, he decided it would be best to call me out on my change of heart.  "Why did you email me me to get smokes today, if you wanted to quit?"
"Because at the time I wrote it, I thought we had given up quitting.  I changed my mind, I want to quit"
He laughed under his breath.  I could have punched him in the teeth.

Real supportive.  So I called my dad to tell him my plans.  I have never heard him so happy before in my life.   An ex-smoker himself, and the husband of a wife who is slowly but surely dying from a smoking addiction, he was ecstatic.    "It's the best thing you'll ever do".   He doesn't realize how much those words meant to me.  Usually he lectures me, and tells me all the things I'm doing wrong.   Even when I was accepted into college, he wasn't that encouraging.  At least I'm not the only one who's proud of me.

My boyfriend continues to smoke around me, and this has turned into the hardest thing I've ever done because of it.  If I'm not exposed to the smell and sight of smoking, it's easier.  When I can smell it, and I can see it, it takes everything I have not to snap.   I salivate, shake, and clench my teeth.   Even now, I can't stop shaking.  I have a really hard time focusing.. even now I have to go back and reread what I write, and even get up from the computer for breaks (since I usually chain smoke when I'm sitting here).   It got to the point where I was beginning to feel pukey.   I told my bf that I was feeling like I was going to puke, he asked me why.  I told him it was because of the cravings, and his solution was to light a smoke, and try to hand it to me.  "If you're sick, have a smoke so you can feel better".    I completely shut down.   Something else took over.. as if I was the host to my addiction, and had no actual control over myself.   The best way to describe the overwhelming feeling I felt, is to call it an out-of-body-experience.   I stared at it, said no. But my bf didn't take it out of my face.   I took the smoke.  And as I took a drag, tears swelled in my eyes.   I failed, and not only that, the person I loved helped me do it.   The worst part was that the drag did nothing for me.  I took one puff, and then put it out.  I did not stop feeling sick.  My cravings didn't even go away.  So really, all I did was torture myself.  I felt like a prostitute who was trying to give up the life style, but had a pimp who forced me to use drugs so I couldn't escape.   I was really upset.

The bf and I are not on speaking terms right now.   Especially since he thinks he can make all the decisions around here.   I guess, it's my fault that he's still smoking, because I asked for the smokes, and he's going to finish them off, just because they are there.   I guess he decided that he still wants to quit, but will do it after we run out of smokes again... which is so considerate.   He smokes while I quit, but I won't be smoking while he tries.   Not only that, he believes that he has to always be on the defensive side, because he assumes that I'm on a bitch war path.  I can't seem to pin him to anything without him turning it around on me, or pulling the "my way or the highway" approach he sometimes refers to.  Unfortunately for him, he has not seen the least of it. (Just wait until I confront him about what I said in this blog)   Next week will be my regular PMS week.  So not only will I be on a nicotine withdrawal, I'll be extremely hormonally imbalanced - to put things nicely. 

Right now I'm going through a lot of symptoms.  I shake, salivate, increased appetite, am fatigued all the time, can't focus worth shit,  headache, body ache, hot flashes, weird nightmares, lack of sleep, and even feeling a little depressed. 

This is pretty self explanatory, but if you've never smoked before - don't ever start.  Even if you're just curious to see what it's like, don't do it- just take a smoker's word for it, and count your blessings. 
Seriously.. I started because I was curious, and never ever thought that one cigarette would end up as something I'd spend half of my life doing.   Quitting is extremely difficult - do not underestimate it like I have.  To compare it to anything, it would be like giving up food completely.  Even the cravings feel like extremely intense hunger pains.   It takes more than will power, it takes endurance, because withdrawal symptoms are not just psychological - they are also physical. 

I'm doing this shit once and for all.   I look forward to the day where I can say that I have been successful in this.   I really hope that my relationship doesn't suffer over this, it's the last thing I need right now.
Uploaded 09/08/2011
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