Relapse
shezagodds
Published
06/15/2011
My old, trusted friend the DSM IV, the psychiatric diagnoses bible, has got me thinking again. I think I (and I'd venture to say most of those reading this) could be shamefully addicted to EBW and that it could be a virtual wrecking ball in my life. Hear me out. The DSM's defition:
Addict: One who uses a substance or behavior to celebrate, compensate, or for any other reason, legitimate or not. The addict experiences some or all of the following:
Continued use despite negative consequences;- umm, this site was the catalyst for a shame spiral which culminated in a bitter and violent divorce from my first husband....and it made me a more frequent user
Limit setting & promises to self or others are broken-I'll just check on my blog and get off here......2 hours later.....
Complaints are denied and/or not heard- I don't spend that much time on the internet. Besides, didn't we spend like all day together 2 weeks ago? My ex used to bitch that all I did was blog.
Loss of control, as in more use than planned (broken limits)- see above
Unpredictability, as in use despite plan not to use (broken promises)- I know this site is a time vampire at best, yet here I sit. I'm shocked at myself. I have much better shit to do.
Compulsivity/preoccupation in thinking- That reminds me, I wonder if my FMK blog got any more comments. It's been 5 minutes, I bet it has.
Denial; Use of defenses to maintain denial- I can log off and really never return here to write or read another thing as long as I live. It's not like it's crack or heroin; it's a website, for fuck's sake.
Build up of (or "break" in) tolerance- I just read most of the blogs going back 13 pages. You'd think I'd burn out around page 5.
Remorse & guilt about use or behavior while using- Yep. If I really want to be a writer, I should try to get published and stop coming here. I'll wind up on Meebo before too long and then I won't make good decisions.
Memory loss, mental confusion, irrational thinking- This is FUN. Who the hell cares? It's the internet! Be who ya want to be! Invite people into your real world, blur the lines. No consequences. WHOOOOOOOOO! Except it doesn't always work that way.
Family history of addictive behavior- CHECK
Withdrawal discomfort (physical, mental, emotional, and/or psychological)- I wonder how the gang is doin'. I'm lonely and everyone is always happy to see Sheza even when no one is happy to see Luci. I'll just be Sheza for a while and then Luci can feel better.
In conclusion, I am an addict. I've fallen off the wagon after my extended clean period. I just want to be a normal person who enjoys things like couponing and sells Avon, not a reasonably smart person who chooses to feed in the murky darkness of the internet's underbelly against her better judgement. It's a beautiful day. I'm inside writing this piece of shit. Guess I'm at Step One.
I'm Sheza and you're no better and you know it.
Addict: One who uses a substance or behavior to celebrate, compensate, or for any other reason, legitimate or not. The addict experiences some or all of the following:
Continued use despite negative consequences;- umm, this site was the catalyst for a shame spiral which culminated in a bitter and violent divorce from my first husband....and it made me a more frequent user
Limit setting & promises to self or others are broken-I'll just check on my blog and get off here......2 hours later.....
Complaints are denied and/or not heard- I don't spend that much time on the internet. Besides, didn't we spend like all day together 2 weeks ago? My ex used to bitch that all I did was blog.
Loss of control, as in more use than planned (broken limits)- see above
Unpredictability, as in use despite plan not to use (broken promises)- I know this site is a time vampire at best, yet here I sit. I'm shocked at myself. I have much better shit to do.
Compulsivity/preoccupation in thinking- That reminds me, I wonder if my FMK blog got any more comments. It's been 5 minutes, I bet it has.
Denial; Use of defenses to maintain denial- I can log off and really never return here to write or read another thing as long as I live. It's not like it's crack or heroin; it's a website, for fuck's sake.
Build up of (or "break" in) tolerance- I just read most of the blogs going back 13 pages. You'd think I'd burn out around page 5.
Remorse & guilt about use or behavior while using- Yep. If I really want to be a writer, I should try to get published and stop coming here. I'll wind up on Meebo before too long and then I won't make good decisions.
Memory loss, mental confusion, irrational thinking- This is FUN. Who the hell cares? It's the internet! Be who ya want to be! Invite people into your real world, blur the lines. No consequences. WHOOOOOOOOO! Except it doesn't always work that way.
Family history of addictive behavior- CHECK
Withdrawal discomfort (physical, mental, emotional, and/or psychological)- I wonder how the gang is doin'. I'm lonely and everyone is always happy to see Sheza even when no one is happy to see Luci. I'll just be Sheza for a while and then Luci can feel better.
In conclusion, I am an addict. I've fallen off the wagon after my extended clean period. I just want to be a normal person who enjoys things like couponing and sells Avon, not a reasonably smart person who chooses to feed in the murky darkness of the internet's underbelly against her better judgement. It's a beautiful day. I'm inside writing this piece of shit. Guess I'm at Step One.
I'm Sheza and you're no better and you know it.
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