Now when I last left to visit my dear old grammy, I decided to drive. This last time I wanted to fly. I figured airplanes have toilets so I wont make the same mistake twice. Lord knows I can poop up a storm.
Now, where was I. It was about two years ago. My grammy was very sick. I had to visit my grandmother. Check in went fine. So did Chili's. And man was it some spicy steak smothered in mushroom gravy. And a tall coffee to wash it down. Don't even get me started on the sides. I went all out because I was safe with plenty of toilets all around.
Next stop Dallas. We've all flown during the holidays, and every time we ask ourselves why we did it. LAYOVER. I had to sleep the night at the stupid airport. As I cuddled up with my plane blanket my tummy started to growl at me.
Okay okay no problem there's pottys all over. NOPE. All of them were locked. The lady at the desk explained it was for security. I grabbed my belly and laid back down. I'd have to wait till morning.
I woke up with pain in my colon so strong I'm suprised I didn't shit in my sleep. I waddled over to the terminal and my plane was boarding.
It was a small jet buisness style. These scare the fuck out of me. So not only on top of the pain, I had the stress farts added ontop of my poops trying to push everything out.
In the air I could finally use the... wheres the plane potty? I asked the stewardess. Um, we don't really have one, it's for emergencies only. MAAM THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!
She directed me to the seat. It was a porta john with a little bowl that to get to, you had to lift the cushioned seat off. I even had to ask the lady sitting there to move. I removed the seat and dropped my pants faster than a broke stripper. There were only curtains that lifted up to block you from everyone else. And worse yet they only came up to my shoulders so that my red face was plain to see.
Everyone stared at me as farts exploded out my butt. I was only a seat away from the lady that I took her seat from. The smells were evil. More farts bellowed out. I knew the poop was coming.
All the people on the little plane were staring at me angrily. Some old granmda shook her finger at me and said "don't you dare ruin this trip for-"
Then it came. Like a giant truck hammering the jake brake, or a house being demolished. Much fart very stink wow.
PFFFFFFFFBBBBBBBBBBTTTTTTTTTT. SPLOSH. All the passengers were screaming from the stink. Poop splashed into the little emergency bowl and sprinkled my butt.
The cute lady next to me puked. "I used to think you were cute, now this?!" She continued to puke. Story of my love life. More embarassing farts roared out as I hung my head in shame.
The worst part was waiting for the stewardess to bring me toilet paper. Puke was splattered all over the immediate area. Then came the turbulance. It shook me up into the air at least a foot and shit splashed out the bowl all over the ground. While more puke joined it.
"I-I am so sorry guys." "You ruined my trip!" the old woman scowled. "Not that, I'm sorry about what's about to---" A huge satisfying fart blasted out and sent another wave of stench. Even the old woman puked.
The worst part was the air was recirculating so the farts just kept getting blown into every passengers face over and over.
This was definitly the worst time flying ever, and I vow to never do it again.