I am not a betting man.
I hate making bets, in fact. The only time I'll make a bet is when I'm 100% sure I know I'll win. Like if somebody bets me twenty bucks that Europe is another planet, I'll take that bet. Or maybe if somebody bets me that their poodle could devour my pet lion any day of the week, I'd take that bet too.
Like I said, 100% sure.
This is why when my girlfriend bet that she could beat me in a game of pool, I accepted her challenge. The wager was that if she lost, I would get a threesome.
Don't tell me you wouldn't have done the same thing. The opportunity of a threesome cannot be overlooked. On top of that, I was facing a girl. How many girls are any good at pool? I know Cathy isn't. Hell, I play her in pool all the time, and I kick ass. Right? Right?
We had a smooth start. She made one or two of her balls in (no pun intended..... really) and I made a whole bunch in right off the start. "Man I'm awesome." I thought to myself.
How the tides change.
Let me start off by saying that women are evil. If they know your weaknesses, they will strike fast, direct, and hard. One of my weaknesses is that I'm easily distracted, especially in pool. Cathy knew this.
"*cough* MISS IT!! *cough*" I heard
I missed my shot completely. I laughed it off. She was just too far behind. No way she could catch up. In that respect, I was right. She never caught up. My next shot, I had finally made my last ball in, and all that was left was the 8-ball.
The magical fucking 8-ball.
"You know, Matt, if you miss this, you don't get a threesome."
"Thank you, Cathy, I realize that."
"In fact, if you miss this, you might NEVER get a threesome."
"The thought never occurred to me. Seriously."
"If you miss this, you'll probably never in your whole life ever experience a threesome."
"Now why do you say that?"
"Because you're a loser...."
I lined up my shot.
".... and you have weird hair."
I watched as the 8-ball rolled into the pocket.
The pocket I did not call. I called the wrong motherfucking pocket. I lost the game. I hung both my heads in defeat.
"Wait, Matt, you didn't bet what would happen if you lost!"
"Oh.... uh.... what does that mean?"
"It means that I decide what happens to you. Follow me."
My eyes filled with terror. I was too afraid to ask what she had in store for me. She made a bet with my purely for this reason. She knew I would lose it. How was she so calculating? The mind of a woman will forever be a mystery to me.
When I stepped into my room, there was her friend. Her very hot friend. The terror left me completely.
"Take your clothes off." They ordered in unison.
My roommate heard this and promptly left the room.
When you have your girlfriend and her hot friend ordering you to take your clothes off, your mind gets cloudy. You'll do anything to make them happy. I knew my threesome was going to happen soon. I happily ripped my clothes off and stood there stark naked.
They looked like they so wanted to jump me. Or maybe they were just on the verge of laughing their little heads off. Either way, I was elated.
"So, when do we get started?" I asked.
"In just a minute." Cathy responded.
Her friend walked up behind me and put a wrestling mask over my face. It was one of those really crappy WWF wrestlers from back in the day too. I think it was a Mr. Perfect mask. Suddenly, I felt my body being wrapped in some strange material. They were giggling the whole time. I heard a few pops and realized that it was bubble-wrap.
"This is..... uh.... pretty kinky. I guess."
No response. There was a pause, and I heard a camera go off.
"Hey! What the fuck is that for?"
"Don't worry about it, hun." I heard Cathy say.
I kept my trap shut. I didn't want to ruin whatever mood they were in. Maybe this was their idea of foreplay. Jeez, that bubble-wrap was hot. And tight. Kinda turned me on.
I felt a pair of hands lead me by the shoulders to an unknown place. I could hardly see through the mask. There were a couple of slits, but without my glasses, I could see nothing. When do I get laid?
As they led me through the next door, I could feel cool air. I was outside. It was then that I realized that my threesome was not going to happen. I was standing outside naked, covered in bubble-wrap, and wearing a ridiculous mask. I could hear people close by laughing at my plight.
I felt something slam into my back, and I hit the ground immediately. Somebody pushed me over.
"Oww!! What the hell!? What the fuck is this, Cathy!?"
I then felt hands all over my body. They were pushing me. Rolling me. All of a sudden, the hands left my body and I kept rolling. I was going down a hill. By this time, I was pissed. This wasn't funny. This was just humiliating. I rolled to a stop, stood up, managed to rip the bubble-wrap off, and walked back to my dorm.
Did I mention I was naked?
When you enter the dorms, you need to swipe your ID to get in. I stood proudly in front of the RA naked and wearing a Mr. Perfect wrestling mask.
"Got your ID?" He asked.
"I'm sorry. It seems I've left my ID in my pants."
After the RA finished laughing his ass off, he simply said, "Good enough for me" and let me in. Thank God.
I didn't get laid.
Life's a bitch and so is my girlfriend.