I'm not fucking shaving.
"What's wrong, baby?"
"Your stubble is scratching my face."
"My face is gonna get all red now."
"It looks fine to me...where are you going?"
*Walks into bathroom*
"See! It is all red!"
"No it's not honey, you're just hot...or at least you were."
"What was that?"
"That's what I thought."
"Baby, can you please just come back to bed."
"I'll be there in a sec. I just need to put some cream on my face so it doesn't chaff."
"Dammit, your face is NOT going to chaff. You'll be fine, I promise."
"You're right, it's not going to chaff ANYMORE, because you're going to shave right now."
"What? I'm not shaving."
"Yes, you are."
"Baby, we've already talked about this. I'm not shaving."
"Well then, I guess someone will be sleeping on the floor tonight, because I'm not going to risk chaffing my face."
"Well...maybe if you didn't insist on kissing so much and just went straight to business...you won't get chaffed down there..."
"What was that? It better not have been what I thought it was."
"Baby, listen to me. It's cold outside. I'm not shaving because I want to keep my face warm."
"Would you rather have a cold face, or a chaffed girlfriend?"
*Walks out of bathroom with razor*
"Baby, here. It will take five minutes."
"That's a Venus razor, baby."
"So you use that on your legs and...other places...and there's no way in hell that I'm fucking putting that on my face. Plus no man with testicles would shave with a woman's razor."
"Fine, then. I guess you'll just have to go home, shave, and then come back."
"Then I'll get my sleeping bag out of the closet. Have fun on the floor tonight."
"Look, I'm not shaving, and we're having sex tonight. Deal with it."
"Excuse me?!? Are you threatening to rape me?"
"What? No, of course not -"
"Well, why don't I just call up campus security and report a rape."
"Baby, what the hell are you doing? Put the phone down!"
"Yes, hello? *sniff* I'd like to report a rape."
"WHAT THE FUCK! Give me the damn phone!"
"See! He's trying to violate me again! Help! Help!"
*Ten minutes later*
"Officer, I think there's been a misunderstanding..."
"I don't think so, boy. Put your hands behind your back."
"Baby, tell him it was a mistake. Please, baby!"
*Holds out razor*
"Fuck that. Get me away from this crazy bitch, officer."