Why does this shit always happen to me, Chris "Zyoose" Heifner? I was enjoying a nice quiet Saturday afternoon visiting my grandmother when I heard a loud bang outside. Not wanting to dislodge my posterior from the uber-comfortable couch cushion that I had planted it in, I dismissed it as nothing more than a figment of my imagination.

Female voice “YOU NEED TO LEAVE OR I WILL CAN THE POLICE! I AM GONNA BLOW UP YOUR TRUCK!”

…sigh… Dammit, you can’t even begin to conceive the list of unimaginable expletives that passed through my head, because I knew that I was gonna have to get up.

Picture this: A Hispanic woman had just crashed her Suburban into the back of her husbands work truck – the damage wasn’t serious, but the bumpers looked like Edward James Olmos’ face. She is outside, piss drunk – stumbling, bumbling, mumbling – telling Papa that he better pack his stuff and make a run for the border. Now, my Spanish is rough – which is a shame considering that my mom, grandmother, and wife are Hispanic – but I got point.

I decided to leave well enough and report back to my post in front of the TV. I know what happens when you interject yourself into a domestic spat and I had no desire to make the unfortunate transformation from witness to victim; I didn’t feel like being that piece of proverbial fresh meat dangled between two angry carnivores. As I was about to return to comfort of my previous position on the couch and let the lovebirds figure their situation out, here come the kids. They were crying hysterically. Insert more expletives racing through my head here.

Ok…NOW I was pissed and I had to think. What would Jesus do? Now, I don’t know what our Lord & Savior would have done, but I was just going to play wait & see. Other than killing themselves or hurting the kids, I wasn’t going to do crap, because I am not trained for this shit. The kids cried and begged mom not to kick dad out. Dad packed his meager belongings, while mom was doing her best Paris Hilton out on the town impression. Then dad went into the house and by the way that Mommy Dearest followed him in, it was as obvious as the gut on my belly that things were going to get ugly. And like the war in Iraq, I didn’t see a good exit strategy for Operation Poop On Your Family…so I called 911.

911 “911, what is your emergency?”
Me “There is a domestic violence in progress at XXXX address. And for the record, the woman is the instigator in this case.”

Before I could get through any more questions, the police hit the scene like a harp missile. They take domestic violence seriously around here. And just as I thought things would get really exciting…POOF…nothing more really happened. Mama quickly put the breaks on her Muhammad Ali routine with the cops around and I could tell that ole [name redacted] was glad that the popo showed up. They let him leave and take the kids, while mom was allowed to thoroughly examine the back of her eyelids from the comfort of her house. Although, I think a few hours in the Drunk Tank would have been appropriate, but it wasn’t my call…thank God for her.

That was a tough situation to watch. I desperately wanted to walk across the street and tell everyone to chill and calm the kids, but what in Sam Hill was I going to say? This ain’t the movies; I can’t sing a song and dance on the curb around an umbrella to save the day. There wasn’t going to be any people jumping into each others arms while the credits rolled with some feel-good musical soundtrack at the end of this episode. This was real life in all of its ugliness and I was relegated to whims of the Big Man upstairs, hoping that the 2 mental tater tots across the street would get some perspective. And in a weird way, this situation reminded me of a time that I first really understood perspective not too long ago.

Back then, I Chris "Zyoose" Heifner, was gainfully employed by a drug cartel and one our distributors in Tennessee owed my best friend and Kingpin, Jake, over $455,000. That’s a very large chunk of change to the average citizen, but to be honest…in the drug world that’s just barely enough money to cause a ruckus. I once asked Jake what he planned to do, almost afraid to hear what he had to say and was thoroughly surprised by his response. “Nothing”, Jake said as he confidently smacked his gum.

Jake “Look, I can have someone kill him, but what is that gonna accomplish? I am still doin my thang and I ain’t gonna go broke because of that turd jammer. Plus, the police will forget about a load or two, but they will NEVER forget a murder. THINKKKKKK ABOUT IT!”

Holy crap! I never thought of it like that. That doesn’t make it right, but it sure makes it intriguingly different. Stay in business or prove a point is what he was essentially saying. Pretty deep for a guy that normally had nothing more than strippers on his mind. And to be honest, it forever changed how I thought about my problems.

I guess the moral to the story is that you should always take the time to think things out and get a different perspective. Are the things that you are worrying about truly worth worrying about? I have no idea what the idiots across the street thought was of enough importance to scar their kids for the rest of their lives, but the sad truth is that is was probably unimaginably stupid.

When faced with a tough decision, the first response is usually to jump to a conclusion based on both your emotions and what you have seen other people do in the past. But…if you do what everyone else has done, you will get the same results as everyone else too. And there are a lot of people sitting in jail right now that let their emotions get the best of them. I know it’s not always easy, but if you take the time to take a step back and look at if from every angle you can think of, you might be amazed at how clear things become.

In my lifetime, I have been faced with a never ending series of decisions that have required precise analysis, because the consequences were grave – to say the least. And I would like to think that my ability to effectively cogitate through all the possible scenarios has saved my butt more than once. But the truth be known, it wasn’t either genius or that difficult, you just need some time & an open mind. All I do is analyze my position – how I feel, what I want, what I am going to do, what I find acceptable/unacceptable, etc. – and then I do this for EVERYONE involved. After that, I try to think about how an outsider, judging the situation, would feel. Then I loosely make my decision, willing change it if I get new information. That’s not too difficult, is it? But today, the problem is that too many people want to, KEEP IT REAL! Well, they can keep it real…REAL STUPID… (c) 2008 Chris Heifner, www.zyoose.com