i, on occasion, have been known to partake in marijuana usage. i know it's a stretch to believe that. i have also been known to eat large amounts of pain medication while imbibing liquor and trying to act as if the cop i was talking to at the time couldnt tell. none of this really matters. what does matter is that i was having fun while i was doing this. now i know the cries of "those are not responsible actions for a man with a family" and "it's always fun till you die" will be flung around like cheap hookers rolled up in a sleazy motel room rug in the trunk of your rental, but fuck it. gotta LIVE man!

now, human excrement. you know, fecal matter, is not a toy. under no circumstance should a turd be a substitute for a Happy Meal toy. it can be a substitute for the Happy Meal, but for the love of (insert preferred deity's name here), dont let the fuckin kid play with his shit!

i have never fucked an animal. not to say i have never been approached by a sexy lookin goat and propositioned! if i had a nickle for every time! what does the pussy of a sheep feel like? anyone know? care to share? maybe post a video demonstration?

one time...........i put a vibrator up my ass.........just to see, ya know? i mean i was thinkin "hey, gay dudes like it and they have really good taste in other things like fashion and interior design, so maybe they are right bout cock in the ass"...........after about 10 mins of insertion and 2 days of crying i came to the conclusion that i was WAAAAY off base on that one.

as a young lad me and my friends used to rate women that we saw based on how many alcoholic drinks it would take for us to fuck them. now, given, every chick started at the level we called "she can suck my dick". EVERY WOMAN. dudes dont lie, if an old saggy titted biker chick with back hair and a scar on her face dropped down in front of you and started to mouth fuck your meat missile you wouldnt stop her. DONT FUCKIN LIE!

i dont wear underwear. at all. ever. to stand in front of someone and talk to them and know that only one layer of clothing separates them from my dick is pretty fuckin awesome. and when i wear baggy basketball shorts when i run you can hear the wet meat on meat slap of my sweaty baloney pony slapping against my hairy man thigh. kind of like slapping a raw chicken with your hand.

do me a favor, stand outside naked tonight. let the warm summer air engulf your nakedness and sweat trickle down into crevices that dont normally get to experience the outside air first hand. when that summer breeze picks up and the sweat begins to evaporate, cooling you and raising goosebumps on your exposed genitalia.......................think of AWFULJACKASS