Fair warning, we get a bit personal this time. I reveal a bit of what lays inside me in this blog. I'm sure, being the sort of audience you are, you won't be gentle.

like so many males of this or any generation I have always been profoundly obsessed with wariorhood. Despite being a scholar myself, and being someone who champions knowledge and inteligence, there has always been a certain envy I hold for for those with streangth and willpower and skill. It's mostly fantasy, romantic visions of things long past. combat is not a personal affair anymore. It's not about skill or swordplay. I know full well the lives of icons like knights, mercenaries, bounty hutners, samurai, soldiers and other such things are false. Thier lives were all miserable in diferent ways. Far more miserable then mine. I know combat is not a serious part of the culture I live in at the time I am living in it. It's a useless persuit and a useless obsession. I don't know if my obsession stems from a cultural memory carried with in my genes, something innate to me, jelousy for the life I've never led, or just the fact that males are told to care about such things. I've had varying degrees of obsession over the idea, but it has always been a source of self loathing. Though I train hard and frequently and I study the arts deligently, I am neither strong nor coordinated nor skilled. No more then the average man my age. I know well the failing of American martial arts. In a real fight I would obviously not have a chance. I wouldn't know, I've not been in a real fight in my adult life. How much can you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight? The words of Tyler Durden taunt me. This isn't a world of comabt though, nor a world of honor glory or victory. It's all so irrelevant, and my design is against me anyway. Some men are born to be powerful, they can't help it. I was born to be thin. That is my body type. On top of it I was born with an extra x chromosome. I have significantly less testosterone then the average male. I'm just barely male myself. Obviously this makes building upper body streangth a serious challange. My entire life I was the weak and fragile kid. I didn't know why at the time. I imagine the other boys worked out a lot. It was a rather foolish notion. In my adult life I trained hard and diligently for years and I am now average. I must work very hard to remain of average build. You cannot imagine how bitter this makes me toward men with natural muscle mass they do nothing to maintain, or those that take steroids. Logically I should have no hatred for myself for such a thing I cannot control, and I should nto have wasted my time trying to be normal. The reason for my obsession, as best I can figure it, is that I have always lived a life of little power. I was always diferent, sensative, emotional, passive, and very prone to boisterous reactions. Basically I was the ideal victim. To this day perfectly decent people can't help but abuse me. I used to think the world was populated by jerks, but in reality they can hardly help it. I draw the abusiveness out in people. If they have even the slightest ability to be amused at the expense of another, they cannot resist me. For this reason everyone has always made me the victim. I have suffered for everyone else's joy my entire life. I suppose I developed a certain martyr complex because of it. I now tend to be fulfilled through suffering for something I care about. I realize what's wrong with that of course but it's nothing I do consciously. I am consumed with a desire for power. It is a detestable thing. It can hardly be helped though. I have so little control over my life I hunger for what little I can have. It dictates much of what I do. I think that's why I wish I were a warrior, something I'll never be. I often feel like I have a warrior's spirit trapped in this fragile and awkward body, but that must just be me romanticizing my illness again. It is a sickness for sure. One I can't help.