It's a Wonderful Life
Tyaeda
Published
08/01/2011
Finding out that I was wrong about why Lard ate those pants was a bittersweet truth.
I didn't want to be right, but I still battled with the emotional trauma I experienced. I was really too embarrassed and distraught to go back to what we had, even though I had forgiven him.
My love for him deeply conflicted with the utter feeling of disgust, that I experienced whenever I thought about him. I needed some time alone to collect my thoughts. Really, I spent most of the time trying to forget them. Heavy drinking was my top priority. I felt more consumed than I did inside Lard's stomach. I just wanted to forget that anything ever happened between us... but the less I thought about the pants, the more I thought about how much I missed my meatball.
I really thought that my best bet was to try and move on. Start new, find someone else, fill that massive void. So after much harassment I agreed to go on a date with crazy_canuck. (I was drunk, ok?) He wanted to come over to my apartment, but I thought it would be best to meet somewhere in public just in case. We finally agreed to go to a hole-in-the-wall biker bar, that I was the newest regular at.
I sucked back a mickey of vodka and started my drunken waddle to the bar. I've walked there many times, in many different "states" so it was quite alarming when I found myself to be suddenly lost. I must have blacked or something, because I had no recollection to how I got there. Still sloshed, I lit a smoke, and sat down on the curb to see if I could gather my barrings and figure out where I was. Suddenly I caught a whiff of pizza.... meat lovers deluxe actually.... Lardy's favourite kind. I figured if I could find the pizza parlor that it came from, I could get directions and make it to my date. So I got up and pursued the smell...
Once I got up to a top of a hill, I could see a bridge with what looked to be a white car or van pulled over to the side, on it. There wasn't anyone else around, so I figured they would be my only hope for directions. The closer I got to the bridge, the rounder the vehicle looked... until I got close enough to realize that it wasn't a car at all... it was Lard. A sobering feeling swept over me, as I subconsciously knew something just wasn't right.
I ran up to him, noticing that he only had half a slice of pizza left in his gigantic hand. I yelled "Lard! It's your chicken wing! Can you hear me?" no response. I grabbed the pizza from his hand and waved it in front of his face.... his mouth slowly fell open, but he didn't open his eyes, or get boner.
Something was terribly wrong. I grabbed my cell and dialed 9-1-1.
"911, what is your emergency?"
"I need help, my boyfriends not breathing!"
"Where are you? We'll send an ambulance right away."
"I don't know! I'm on a bridge... it's got water under it..."
"Honey calm down, I need to know where you are"
I hung up... even if I did know where we were, I knew that an ambulance was way too small, and Lardy wouldn't fit into it.
I called the only other person that I thought could help, my dad, who is the project manager at a ship repair company.
"Dad, this is going to sound strange, but I need a boom truck stat. I'm out in the middle of nowhere... there's just a bridge and a canal or river under it."
"Oh, that sounds like lock 3. I'll be over right away"
I called 911 again and told them that we were near lock 3 at the bridge, and that we only needed paramedics... an ambulance is not big enough.
Using all of my adrenaline, I managed to gather enough strength to push Lard over on his back. I removed any food I could find from his throat and began to perform CPR the best I could by jumping on his stomach like a trampoline. I drove my hand under neath his left moob to see if there was a pulse.. there was, but it was faint. It seemed like forever but my dad finally showed up with the boom truck (a flat bed transport truck with a crane attached to it), we lifted him onto the bed and waited for the paramedics to arrive shortly after.
As soon as they took over, I collapsed and began to sob. It was then that I decided to never leave Lard_Infamous's side ever again.
I didn't want to be right, but I still battled with the emotional trauma I experienced. I was really too embarrassed and distraught to go back to what we had, even though I had forgiven him.
My love for him deeply conflicted with the utter feeling of disgust, that I experienced whenever I thought about him. I needed some time alone to collect my thoughts. Really, I spent most of the time trying to forget them. Heavy drinking was my top priority. I felt more consumed than I did inside Lard's stomach. I just wanted to forget that anything ever happened between us... but the less I thought about the pants, the more I thought about how much I missed my meatball.
I really thought that my best bet was to try and move on. Start new, find someone else, fill that massive void. So after much harassment I agreed to go on a date with crazy_canuck. (I was drunk, ok?) He wanted to come over to my apartment, but I thought it would be best to meet somewhere in public just in case. We finally agreed to go to a hole-in-the-wall biker bar, that I was the newest regular at.
I sucked back a mickey of vodka and started my drunken waddle to the bar. I've walked there many times, in many different "states" so it was quite alarming when I found myself to be suddenly lost. I must have blacked or something, because I had no recollection to how I got there. Still sloshed, I lit a smoke, and sat down on the curb to see if I could gather my barrings and figure out where I was. Suddenly I caught a whiff of pizza.... meat lovers deluxe actually.... Lardy's favourite kind. I figured if I could find the pizza parlor that it came from, I could get directions and make it to my date. So I got up and pursued the smell...
Once I got up to a top of a hill, I could see a bridge with what looked to be a white car or van pulled over to the side, on it. There wasn't anyone else around, so I figured they would be my only hope for directions. The closer I got to the bridge, the rounder the vehicle looked... until I got close enough to realize that it wasn't a car at all... it was Lard. A sobering feeling swept over me, as I subconsciously knew something just wasn't right.
I ran up to him, noticing that he only had half a slice of pizza left in his gigantic hand. I yelled "Lard! It's your chicken wing! Can you hear me?" no response. I grabbed the pizza from his hand and waved it in front of his face.... his mouth slowly fell open, but he didn't open his eyes, or get boner.
Something was terribly wrong. I grabbed my cell and dialed 9-1-1.
"911, what is your emergency?"
"I need help, my boyfriends not breathing!"
"Where are you? We'll send an ambulance right away."
"I don't know! I'm on a bridge... it's got water under it..."
"Honey calm down, I need to know where you are"
I hung up... even if I did know where we were, I knew that an ambulance was way too small, and Lardy wouldn't fit into it.
I called the only other person that I thought could help, my dad, who is the project manager at a ship repair company.
"Dad, this is going to sound strange, but I need a boom truck stat. I'm out in the middle of nowhere... there's just a bridge and a canal or river under it."
"Oh, that sounds like lock 3. I'll be over right away"
I called 911 again and told them that we were near lock 3 at the bridge, and that we only needed paramedics... an ambulance is not big enough.
Using all of my adrenaline, I managed to gather enough strength to push Lard over on his back. I removed any food I could find from his throat and began to perform CPR the best I could by jumping on his stomach like a trampoline. I drove my hand under neath his left moob to see if there was a pulse.. there was, but it was faint. It seemed like forever but my dad finally showed up with the boom truck (a flat bed transport truck with a crane attached to it), we lifted him onto the bed and waited for the paramedics to arrive shortly after.
As soon as they took over, I collapsed and began to sob. It was then that I decided to never leave Lard_Infamous's side ever again.
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