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A True American Patriot

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Gather 'round the fire.  I have a story to tell you about a true patriot.

As the US elections near let me tell you about one of the greatest Americans that ever lived.  An American that receives almost no recognition.  The only problem is that he was not technically American. 

Gilbert Mauquis du Lafayette was born into a life of douchebagery.   His father was killed in battle so Lafayette never knew the man.  His mother was a socialite that served the likes of the French King simply because of her family's bloodline.  While she was off in Paris drinking wine and and tasting cheeses Lafayette lived in a Bill Gates style Chateau, alone.  He didn't respect ESPN the "Ocho" and HBO was not broadcasting in France at the time so he would go for walks in the woods.  One of the purposes of his walks in the woods, alone, at the early age of 12 was to slay the horrific beast that was eating the peasant's children.  He never encountered the beast.  Probably because the monster was too damn afraid to fight him.


Enough about his childhood.  At 19 years old his mother invited him to France to serve the royal court. He went willingly trying to secure a seat in the military and became an officer in the French Cavalry.  He was asked to dance with Marie Antoinette who laughed at him for being such a bad dancer (our hero didn't forget this slight  and set Paris ablaze during the French Revolution).  He was then ordered to serve the King which pissed him off because he didn't bow down to spoon fed privilege.  So he basically got himself fired by pissing in the King's coffee. 


Finally in 1775 the first shots were fired in Concord and Lafayette, 19, decided the ideal of a nation was more important than the life of one man.  He decided it was more important to fight for an ideal than swim in his gold plated pool.  The king forbid him or any soldiers to fight in the States.  Lafayette responded, "tis more honorable to fight for an ideal than be stuck serving your pompous ass and counting my undeserved money.  When I get back to France Iām going to set this biatch on fizzire.  I hope you don't have bronchitis," and then nobly sailed off to fight in the Continental Army.


During his first battle, the British were breaking through the lines and the Americans scattered.  He took his rifle and without time for a Braveheart speech mumbled something like, "I must break you,"as he charged the British lines.  After slaying dozens of them with T2 type precision he got wounded in the leg and had to retreat with his men.  Making the battle of Brandywine Creek a draw.  Washington told his physician to make Lafayette well and "treat him like my son."


While he was getting treated for his wound Lafayette decided it would be a good idea to invade Canada during that deadly winter and route the British colonies there......that's right, I said Canada, in the dead of winter.  So while Washington was fighting to keep his men alive in the bitter cold winter that became known as Valley Forge, Lafayette was trying to secure a horse, rifle, and some soldiers.  When the soldiers didn't come Lafayette decided to recruit some Algonquins (Native American tribes) to invade Canada.  It doesn't get more bad-ass than that.  Finally, Washington cab-ached the plan saying it was too damn cold and told Lafayette he would be deployed at a later date. Lafayette replied, "I ain't got time fer dat" and decided to wage a guerrilla war against the British Divisions with 20 something men.


And so he went to fight the British in Virginia kicking ass along the way following the five D's of military tacticians:  dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge.  Always outnumbered and always outgunned Lafayette never lost a battle at the hands of the British.


Lafayette was a true patriot and a true American that believed the life of one man was not important when mankind was in danger.  He could of hid his money in an offshore account in the Cayman Islands and thrown pennies at the peasants in his village to watch them scatter like a flock of geese.  He could of fooled people into thinking he was the last great "hope" for "change", wealth, prosperity, and liberty.  But Lafayette knew freedom didn't consist of eloquent words from one man and an empty chair.  Rather the blood, sweat, and tears of an entire country should inflame people to stand for justice and liberty.  When he was asked upon a return trip to the States (after fighting in the French Revolution and serving time in a Gulag) why he didn't become an American citizen, Lafayette responded, "I am an American."  Lafayette a true American patriot.

snarkles Uploaded 09/06/2012
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