EDITORS NOTE: SPOILERS for Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny (did you not read the title?)
Does the thought of watching yet another derivative installment of a Disney franchise bring tears to your eyes – especially after the dumpster fire that was Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania? Do you like Harrison Ford … but not enough to dedicate a whopping 2 hours and 22 minutes staring at him on the big screen? Do you want to seem zeitgeisty and in the pop culture know without the daunting task of sitting through another goddamn sequel (can we PLEASE get some original IP? As a treat?).
Well, 4chan, in its true omniscient glory, may have your back.
Earlier this week, a r/LeaksAndRumors Reddit post dating back to November began making the rounds online again, one claiming to recount the entire plot of the adventure franchise’s fifth installment, Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny .. well, as told by one evidently irritated test screening participant.
“Indiana Jones 5 has had test screenings and I attended one. The reason he's claiming it didn't is because basically everyone at my showing hated it,” recalled Redditor u/LongJonSiIver in their now-viral post about the upcoming film.
Alongside detailing the film’s general premise – “Marion appears toward the beginning of the movie and encourages Indy to come out of retirement for one last adventure,” they recalled – and revealing the film’s “main McGuffin,” a “a golden clock that's the key to an ancient time portal” that Jones is trying to snatch before a group of neo-Naxis, r u/LongJonSiIver got very candid about each character’s relative annoyance levels throughout the flick.
“Phoebe Waller Bridge is playing ‘Helena Brody’, the granddaughter of Marcus Brody, and is quite possibly one of the most annoying characters put to screen,” they explained, adding that they “wouldn't be surprised if she wrote her own lines,” many of which consist of her offering “lectures” to “Indy about his ‘privilege.’”
A reporter at #Cannes told Harrison Ford: "I think you're still very hot."— Variety (@Variety) May 19, 2023
Ford replied: "Look, I’ve been blessed with this body. Thanks for noticing!"https://t.co/c6p4UXtM4X #Cannes #IndianaJones pic.twitter.com/yuUfSQblOq
Conversely, Antonio Banderas’ character, per u/LongJonSiIver is the “best part of the movie,” a ranking they chalked up to the way he “he sacrifices himself to save Indy and Helena right before they get sent back in time.”
Considering these strange plot points and Ford’s apparent disdain of the whole ordeal – “Harrison looks like he doesn't want to be there the entire movie,” they quipped – he stated opted to give the film a relatively low rating.
Harrison Ford with tears in his eyes during the standing ovation for ‘INDIANA JONES AND THE DIAL OF DESTINY’. pic.twitter.com/mJtRv4wLKk— DiscussingFilm (@DiscussingFilm) May 18, 2023
‘Overall, 2/10. I'd rather watch Crystal Skull 50 times than sit through this atrocity again,” they mused. “I hope Disney does some serious reshoots or just cans the movie entirely.”
While it’s unclear whether these claims are actually true – we guess someone had to watch Indiana Jones for fact-checking purposes – the post was tagged under “false” meaning all of this should probably be taken with a grain, or, well, boulder in this case, of salt.
As Indy himself once expertly put it, "I don't know. I'm making this up as I go."