President Joe Biden’s dog Commander Biden proved he really should have been named Commander Bitin’ this week, after messages surfaced alleging the 22-month-old German Shepherd had bitten Secret Service agents, according to emails obtained by conservative watchdog group, Judicial Watch.
According to these messages, 10 biting-related incidents had occurred involving the pup, including one in which an agent allegedly required hospitalization after getting nipped in the arm and the thigh back in November 2022.
Though Commander is currently undergoing more training, Kaiser, the head writer at popular celebrity gossip website Celebitchy, speculated that there may be a method to the dog’s apparent madness.
BREAKING: House Republicans announce congressional investigation into First Dog Commander Biden. Kevin McCarthy: “Biting is never acceptable conduct for a dog, especially the President’s dog. We will get to the bottom of it, and replace Commander with a goldfish if necessary.” pic.twitter.com/gjvHMQZUFa— Mike Sington (@MikeSington) July 27, 2023
“If I remember correctly, Major was getting aggressive with different people, not just Secret Service agents,” they said, referencing Bidens older pet who now lives with family friends in Delaware after he reportedly ”nipped some household staff” alongside members of POTUS’s protection team.
“It doesn’t sound like Commander is doing that – Commander is singularly focused on Secret Service agents,” they continued.
Considering the pooch’s laser vision in taking down his dad’s bodyguards, Kaiser hinted at a theory: Maybe this bad behavior was more than a coincidence, referencing a “haunting” tale from the days following Biden’s victory.
“When Biden/Harris won in 2020, then President-Elect Biden asked the Secret Service to only put certain people on his detail and VP Harris’s detail – as in, he didn’t want any agents who were loyal to Trump in any way,” the blogger explained. “Y’all know some of those MAGA people slipped through, though. They infiltrated every part of the federal government, Secret Service included.”
With these remaining stragglers, Kaiser argued, Commander’s attacks just might be justified.
“You may say that Commander is ‘too aggressive,’” they wrote “I say that he’s just looking out for his mom and dad. Dogs know when the vibe is off.”
Uh oh, Commander is in trouble for biting again. pic.twitter.com/1f5jwGaWg9— Stivali Ryder ♀️ BLM, #BlueCrew (@StivaliRyder) July 25, 2023
Though Kaiser’s readers may have scoffed at this analysis — “I'm as liberal as a person can be and it's funny to think a dog can sniff out MAGA but c'mon Kaiser,” wrote Redditor u/AgentBrittany in a post shared to r/CelebitchyUnderground, denouncing the writer as “a mess” — they weren’t alone in this theory.
Days later, several skeptics headed to Twitter, similarly questioning Commander’s motives.
“Just to be clear, the Secret Service has been forever stained by their insidious plot to erase all Jan 6 texts due to their involvement in an insurrection, so if both Major Biden and Commander Biden are biting SS agents, there’s a reason and I’m trusting dogs because they know,” argued Twitter user @TheRickyDavila.
Just to be clear, the Secret Service has been forever stained by their insidious plot to erase all Jan 6 texts due to their involvement in insurrection, so if both Major Biden and Commander Biden are biting SS agents, there’s a reason and I’m trusting dogs because they know.— Ricky Davila (@TheRickyDavila) July 28, 2023
“Absolutely this! Dogs can tell a bad person and will protect their own people from the bad. If Commander bit someone, look at the person, not the dog,” agreed @JerseyLynda, as @ZaZon9253 reiterated that “DOGS. ALWAYS. KNOW.”
Though we may never know all the horrors that went down during the Capitol Insurrection, at least we know Commander Biden is on the case. To paraphrase a terrible Fox New banner, “Hail to the teeth.”