Kate Middleton fans (c’mon, I’m sure they exist somewhere) have been in a panic the past two months. Why? That’s because their beloved Princess of Wales is MIA — and the internet is full of theories about where she went.

To be clear, she’s not literally missing. I’m sure someone knows where she is. But the point is, we don’t, and as a result, we’re left speculating about where she went and what she’s up to. If we’re to believe Newsweek, Middleton is stepping away from the spotlight while she recovers from abdominal surgery. However, if we’re going to have a little fun with it, she’s going to return to public life with an absolute dump truck.

That’s right: If we’re to believe the most diseased minds of the internet, Middleton has left us and will return upon fully recovering from her Brazilian Butt Lift.

Another prominent theory blends two recent internet events and says that she’s secretly working at, or attending, the Wonka experience that went awry in Scotland. Why not, I guess?

There were also some more unorthodox theories, with a few more serious than others:

The reality is probably boring, but if Kate Middleton returns looking like she’s hiding basketballs in her jeans, I’ll eat my words.