Contrary to popular misconception, it seems getting caught jerking off isn’t exclusively reserved for Pee Wee Herman or protagonists in coming-of-age (or should we say *cumming* of age) comedies. Earlier this week, Redditor u/HMKingHenryIX posed a question for the fine people of r/NSFW— “What is your “got caught masturbating” story?” an inquiry that was answered in droves.
“Caught after the fact,” replied u/commonnow. “I was in my early teens when I discovered the joy jacking off. Then my mind was truly blown when I discovered I could beat it up in the shower. After the first week or so of just carelessly painting the walls of the shower with my baby batter my dad comes into my room and says “if you’re going to blow your nose in the shower, make sure it goes down the drain.”
Unfortunately for them, it seems the nature of their dad’s comment went over their head.
“I scratched my head and with a confused look I responded, ‘I don’t blow my nose in the shower.’ To which my dad responded… ‘just make sure it goes down the drain.’”
Well played, dad.
Yet it seems showers weren’t the only nautical nonsense that these Redditors found themselves in. “When I was about 11 I technically got caught mashing my meat to SpongeBob,” remembered u/TheGrinningCarrot
“Back then I'd jerk off to those ‘top celebrity beach body’ compilations on VH1 or whatever. But they had commercials, and I wasn't hanging around for that. So I'd switch to another channel during the breaks, but sort of "keep things going." Anyway, the result of this was that my older brother walked in on me, and I had just switched to nickelodeon,” they continued. “I'll never forget him saying ‘SPONGEBOB?!?’ and leaving the room dying of laughter.”
Despite these cautionary tales, it seems you don’t need to masturbate to be caught masturbating – just as u/tetogt who commenced their reply with a true question for the ages — “Does fake masturbating count?”
“I was in boarding school and we weren’t allowed to have computers or electronics,” they recalled. “I was in my bed playing with my PSP when one of the supervisors comes in I panic and hide my PSP under the covers and he didn't [sic] see it. He comes over to me, already suspicious, and asks me ‘what are you DOING?’”
In a moment of self-preservation, u/tetogt did what any PSP-loving student would do — lied like all hell. “I didn't want to lose my PSP so said ‘masturbating’ and he believed me,” they sad. “PSP saved.”
Hey, while (evidently) happens to all of us, remember the wise words of one-man-band Panic! At The Disco: “Haven’t you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?”