Stories like these are the kind that remind you why it’s important to occasionally log off. So, take a big swig of booze, and let’s talk about the radioactive furry who allegedly sent a sock full of his sperm to a random woman.

Yellowcake is a fursuit maker based in Ohio. According to a profile on the dude, he’s pretty obsessed with radioactivity. He’s got a collection of radioactive materials, and occasionally, he’ll even bring those pieces to conventions.

“Any nuclear obsessed individual worth their salt has radioactive uranium glass and fiesta ware, I’ve also got several thorium mantles for calibration, and tritium tubes,” he writes. “For kicks, at cons I stash sealed marked packages of thorium under my paws and in a second tongue of my fursuit. Its not harmful, but people get a kick out of it when the counter goes off near me.”

Being exposed to low doses of radiation is not how I get my kicks, but maybe that’s just me. Anyway, an allegation about Yellowcake was recently posted to Reddit. Specifically, someone is alleging that ol’ Yellowcake blew his radioactive load into a sock, then mailed it to some guy’s girlfriend.

“For some reason, he got mad at my gf for not hooking up with him and mailed her a bunch of cum socks,” writes Redditor Sea_Amount_7699\. “It turns out they’re mildly radioactive from all the residual radiation from his fur-suit.”

Now, I do not know if this story is true. Sure, some furries aren’t exactly known for their tact, but that doesn’t mean they go around mailing cell-mutating stockings to random women. To try to answer this question, I reached out to Yellowcake himself via email and Instagram DM.

Unfortunately, he didn’t get back to me, though he has responded to the situation in a Reddit thread denying everything to the best of his ability. “yeah the radioactive stuff is sort of true... everything else is very much not,” he wrote in one post. “nothing in my house (and none of my socks) are contaminated with any detectable levels of radiation... or cum for that matter.”

Someone calling themselves Yellowcake’s partner also chimed in to deny the story. “This story is wholly untrue, fabricated by a former friend… For what reason? No idea. But I can say without a doubt that the radioactivity of his suit is nonexistent so that would make this false. That said, we think the story is hilarious.”

Right, see, the radioactivity was only part of the story. The main issue, I believe, is the cum. Sea_Amount_7699 seems to feel the same way, though they say that this happened a while ago and that they and their partner are largely over it now.

“my gf has mentioned the cum socks being sent by Yellowcake for almost two years and her friends have corroborated the story. I certainly didn’t make it up as I literally have no idea who yellowcake is and otherwise wouldn’t have had any possible way of crossing paths with them,” writes Sea_Amount_7699. “That being said, it sounds like we’re all in agreement that it’s fucking hilarious.”

So that’s the end. Everyone is laughing, cum socks or not.

The big question: What did we learn from this? Answer: absolutely nothing. I’m going to go take a shower.