There’s a new world record zucchini out there — and my god is it a sight to behold.
Recently, an Ontario, Canada man named Henry D’Angela announced that he had grown what he believes is a new world record zucchini. Exactly how long is his ol’ summer squash, you ask? Not 4 feet, not 5 feet, but 8 and a half goddamn feet long.
“I didn’t start out to grow the longest,” said D’Angela of his 8-foot, 4.79-inch beast. “It just happened to be in a new area I had never grown before. The soil has done really well for it. It’s amazing.”
Not only did D’Angela not set out to create an ungodly long squash — he isn’t even sure how it happened. “I guess plenty of water,” he told ThoroldToday. “And I put manure in the base here.” That, or he was secretly cavorting with the devil. I know what I choose to believe.
Now you may be wondering, what does one do with a giant squash? According to the article, once a squash gets to that size, you can’t really eat it — and according to me, it’s likely far too large to be used in any fetish context. So for the time being, D’Angela is storing the vegetable in his garage until Guinness can swing by to authenticate it.
“When they open the farmer’s market in Thorold next year I should bring this as a novelty,” he detailed. “So Thorold can be known as having the biggest zucchini in the world.” Finally, something to put Thorold on the map!
So if you’re in the market for a giant zucchini, it looks like you’re going to have to head to Canada. Just please don’t do anything weird once you get it.