A couple of weeks ago, Alison, a Rick and Morty writer-slash-OnlyFans model, slid into the DMs of “every offensive line prospect” in the NFL Draft to find “the one” — as well as provide giggles for the group chat. 

To that last point, her efforts were mostly inspired by a joke she made in a group chat of primarily lesbians. “I chose the most masculine position to riff on to tease the girlies, and then followed through for the chat’s amusement,” she tells me. 

Unfortunately, the only response came from first-round target Darnell Wright of the University of Tennessee, who replied with three barf emojis and the words “stankin’ bitch,” which she took with good humor. “I was delighted with ‘stankin’ bitch,’” she says. “He’s probably the highest-profile person I messaged too, which worked out quite well for me.” 

She thanked Wright for his response, but the conversation stopped there. And so, her search for “the one” continues. “I want a certified big boy who has disciplined hand placement and a nasty streak,” she jokes, before adding, “Girls obviously want a man who makes $3 million a year for three years of their life and enters daily uncontrollable psychotic rages when they’re 50.”

Not surprisingly, making such jokes about men on the internet inspires some pretty aggressive reactions, which she tries to spin into humor, too — if just as a survival tactic. “Every time I do a joke on Twitter, men start foaming at the mouth and screaming. That’s very funny to me,” she says. “I just be myself, and multiple men threaten to kill me for being a little silly on the computer”

“I have to spin it in my head that it’s funny, or else it’s very, very depressing.”