With the new Batman V Superman movie coming out in a few months it’s time to do some digging and pick a side. Superman has widely been regarded as a defender for the common man, a beacon for justice and a savior for the people of Metropolis and the world over. This guide should help you realize that not only is Superman a showboating pretty-boy, he’s also kind of a dick and you should pick Batman.
1. He sacrifices others for his benefit.
We start out with this blatant double cross where poor Jimmy Olsen is institutionalized. We realize that Jimmy is threatening to give up a secret identity but throwing him in a mental hospital and solitary confinement? Superdick obviously doesn’t watch Netflix documentaries because if he did he would already know that solitary is the worst thing you can do for this already fragile young photojournalist’s mental health
2. He's petty af.
In this cover Pat Boone and Lois Lane are comprising a tune on piano and ukulele about the wonderful hero that protects them night and day. Little do they know that Superdick is hovering three feet from them and is planning on ruining all chances they have of making this little jingle a hit. First off I’m pretty sure this song probably isn’t going to make it any further than this room, let alone the airwaves. Second even if it is a hit, who really cares? The lyrics are literally “Come sing a song of Superman,” it’s not like they’re hardcore rap-battle style dissing anyone. Settle down Superdick.
3. He's a misogynist.
As you will find out soon enough, Superdick has a special piece of hate in his heart for the ladies. In this issue not only does he storm out of the stockroom at work flagrantly waving around his disguise, he then proceeds to yell at two beautiful, intelligent women with journalism degrees about how dumb they are. This extremely chauvinistic monster is lucky two women are even fighting over him at all if you ask me. Batman always has had a ton of women hanging all over him and treats each one of them with respect, even when he absconds with an entire ballet company.
4. He's greedy.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane . . . nope it’s just Superdick, this time looking for a payment to help out this nice man with an oil fire. This cover is a little tricky because oil fires are actually very common and usually burn themselves out within a few days if contained. So basically Superdick just shows up when he hears there is a fire and the nice man thinks, “Oh cool, Superman is here what a coincidence, he can put this out with no problem because he’s such a swell guy.” Little does he know the man of steel only showed up to make a quick buck.
5. He's merciless.
As a California resident affected by the drought, and a fan of people not dying of thirst, this offends me on multiple levels. Superdick, just let them have a simple drink of water, what’s the hold up? The dog is already dead, some blonde woman has fainted and this once stock-holding upright citizen is begging for you to fill up his empty bean can. I also notice he’s straddling the water as if to symbolize that he will piss all over Metropolis’ misery.
6. He's vindictive.
There are so many things wrong with this cover it is insane. First of all Lois is begging for Superdick to basically refrain from forcing her into a life of misery with Titanman, whose terrible secret is probably that the only thing he likes more than shoulderless tops is domestic violence. Secondly not only is Superdick smiling and egging Lois on, he’s putting his feet up in church! Who does that? Look at alarm on the poor priest face.
7. He's a domestic abuser.
Well I guess Lois should have just married Titanman because now Superdick is murdering her with a truck. As the truck careens into a canyon Superdick’s final words are, “So Long”! He’s probably running off to find Lana Lang so he can tie her to the bow of a ship and run it into an iceberg.
8. He's cruelly ungrateful.
Well apparently Superdick looks better in blue due do to the fact that this nice brown robe his adopted son Jimmy Olsen got him had to immediately be destroyed. The frustrating thing is: why couldn’t he have waited till Jimmy had left to destroy the gift? He could have easily of said, “Oh thank you Jimmy, I’ll treasure this forever,” and then gone behind the tool shed and heat visioned it to ashes. Only a blatant disregard for others' emotions could drive a petty alien to such measures. Batman would have never of burned a gift in front of a loved one, he would’ve thrown it away that night like a gentleman.
9. He uses coercion to get what he wants.
So if you are reading this list in order; first Superdick didn’t want Lois to marry him at all, then he wouldn’t oppose when she was at the altar with Titanman, now after an unsuccessful truck murder he’s going to suffocate her in space? There’s still one more post in this list, but if you still don’t think Batman is the right choice, there is probably no point trying to sway you.
10. He uses torture.
Finally we see that Superdick not only treats his adopted son like garbage, he has the ability to physically, psychologically and emotionally abuse his only true allies, other superheroes! How can we trust a man that has proven that he doesn’t care about civilians, family and others like him? My vote is in, Batman 2016.