A buddy of mine dropped by this afternoon for a quick lunch, and somehow our dull, boring conversation made an entertaining switch to Hollywood ladies and who we thought were the hottest of the lot. Sad to say, I had trouble thinking of any. Sure, there's the ever-awesome and georgeous Drew Barrymore (shut the fuck up! She is too!!) and a handful of others who's inclusion in such a list would be criminal to omit, but after about five or six I was running out of steam. Ol' Aaron (you remember him? The guy who wrecks all my worldly possessions) was running a list of names the likes of which I've never heard before. He was not only naming every major entertainment personality in the business today, but also complete lists of folks who nobody knows the names of. "That chick from the flashback scenes in that episode of Bones.....and the girl who was sitting at the table back-left who turned up dead in an alley on Law And Order..." I asked him if he had an unhealthy attraction to corpses, but never really got a straight answer. Truth be told, not really an answer I'm looking for. The point is, though, that (1) Hollywood has lost all its hot women, and (2) Aaron may need a psychiatric assessment.

Now, given my vast knowledge of movies and TV from the Golden Age of entertainment (Re: 'Old Shit') I could think up dozens of amazing women to get all Blue Velvet with. But alas, time has crushed those dreams. (And in most cases, gravity ruined it for me too.) I was born in 1982; decades too late, in some cases, to pursue these little attractions. Some of them were dead long before I could be issued a cease and desist order for stalking them. But, let's pretend that time and age didn't play a part in this little bit of silver screen cineamtic debauchery. Who would I put on my list then? So, let's all jump into our DeLoreans, set the Flux Capacitor (1.21 gigawatts?!?!), kick the bitch up to 88 miles per hour, and go see who will completely ignore my advances throughout the time and space of film history. (Rejection...some things are timeless.)

Stop Number 1 - 1964: Beverly Owen

Although her fame was short lived, Beverly played Marilyn Munster on "The Munsters" for only 13 episodes from the first season before she was replaced by the dreadful, manish Pat Priest. Beverly was the embodyment of beautiful. She had one of those crazy '60s bleach jobs done to her hair, but style can be forgiven for a gal of her caliber. Simply put, she is possibly the most amazing looking girl I've ever seen on film. Beverly/Marilyn was the first real TV crush I can remember having....unless you count She-Ra (which you should not). If Doc Brown's crazy invention could only take me to one time and place, it would be September of 1964, smack-dab in the middle of the MGM lot for a little encounter with the lovely Ms. Owen.

Stop Number 2 - 1942: Donna Reed

You hack kids with your cellphones and iPods and unicorn stickers wouldn't know a single fucking film this gal has done, except maybe "It's A Wonderful Life" where she played the wife of the late/great Jimmy Stewart's George Baily character. Donna played Mary Hatch Baily, and did a fantastic job. (I was going to make an obvious "job" joke here, but will disregard it out of respect for the actress.) Her film credits are a mile long, but this was the movie that really made me sit up and take notice of her. Most actresses now-a-day would be lucky to be a tenth as attractive as this one was....long long ago, albeit....and a quarter as talented. (Fractions are fun.) I know its kinda odd thinking this chick was hot while watching a family holiday movie, but whatever. Rednote once got wood from a Denny's commercial; don't judge me for this lest you judge him.

Stop Number 3 - 1956: Yvonne De Carlo

Another Munsters alumn, but not for her wicked-awesome portrayal of Lily Munster did I choose De Carlo. No.....that would be less embarassing. The real reason: Sephora. Those of you who caught this (any of you?) will no doubt be casting a little judgement my way. Sephora was the lead female character from----GASP!----"The Ten Commandments"! She was smokin' hot in this movie about...ummmm......Jesus, or something? Definetly had some business with Jews and beards and a giant-ass sea. (I always fall asleep during its eighteen hour run every Easter.) The cast in this was awesome, even if you don't much care for the "Religion is Super" overtones.  Charly Heston, Yul Brynner, E.G. Robinson and even Vincent Price may have drawn people to the theatres in '56 to see this. For me, it would have been De Carlo, looking all innocent and trusting; fighting for what she knew was right; putting her faith in a guy who eventually would go on to fight the evil Soylent Green corporation in a fucking bodysuit and ascot. Lets not forget: Clearly she had a staff fetish, which is just tops in my book.

Last Stop! Everybody (get) Off! - 1953: Audrey Hepburn

Tons and tons of film roles would earn her a place in every man's trowsers during the Golden Age of cinema, but none for me slightly compares to her role in "Roman Holiday", one of my all-time favorite films ever made. She played Princess Ann (Anya Smith, as far as Greg Peck's character knew) a, well, princess. She wanted to lead a normal life, so off she runs to experience the life of a normal gal. I think it was her first movie (anyone correct me on that?), and she did a great job. I suggest everyone watch this movie (go download it now!) for its amazing plot, acting and, yes, hot-ass leading lady. Perfect face, perfect personality...what more could you want?

So that's the long and short of my time trip. There are so many others I'd give anything to boff from the days of yore, but these four are top priority once that fuckin' dog fixes my time machine. (I'll bet the moose and squirrel ruined it somehow...) I think I would have enjoyed life more had I been born about sixty years earlier. Who knows? Maybe when I'm all old and all Wallboy-ish, my grandkids will want to borrow the ol' DeLorean so they can travel back and take a shot at the likes of Tara Reid...you know, before her induction into "Dame" status. Think I'm off on a few? Add a couple in the comments section. I'm curious to see what some of you other bloggers consider an "old" film actress. (If anyone says Pheobe Cates I will personally track you down and beat the shit out of you.)

Thanks for reading,

-The Big Bad