Get off the road you slow-ass f_cks!

So..I bought my first car about two months ago. I'm finally in a job with a reasonable wage that has allowed me to get a car and keep it running on the road. Granted, it is a second hand model, one previous careful owner with a wee dinge at the drivers door and over 100,000 miles on the clock, but its a pleasure to drive, its very quiet and it doesnt burn up too much juice. I'm, as they say, over the moon with my new-ish purchase but I've started to notice a change in my attitude to other road-users lately.


 Before this I'd always drove about in my Dad's car, scrounged a lift from some good Samaritan, or, God help me, used the old public transport system...yep, the last great bastion of reliability over here. There's nothing quite like getting on an overcrowded train which invariably turns up half an hour late and pleasantly reeks of aromatic stale farts, milky baby vomit and burnt hair. Or the uncomfortable claustrophobic bus where an all-out assault on the eardrums can usually be found, brought about by the mentally unhinged deNiro-like driver listening to the radio at level 11 (who needs the gift of hearing, eh Tap fans?), the general hub-bub-bub of random conversations and demonic shrieking laughs of surrounding fellow passengers, and, my personal favorite, the extreme filling-scraping muted metallic twang of some gits iPod/MP3 player. It sounds like an overzealous band using muted kazoos. It's like quickly trapping a bee in an overturned glass, cupping that glass over one of your ears, then randomly clinking out a high speed spasmodic techno beat on that bad boy with a teaspoon..really, really, really f_cking annoying!


So...fingers crossed...I've left public transport behind. I've my own wheels now but I've started to realize how terrible some drivers really are. I've always been aware that they were out there and it never really bothered me before but maybe its the fact that its my car sharing the same road as them now that's causing me to rant, rage and shake fist uncontrollably. Dont get me wrong.Ive been on the road more or less for the past fifteen years in one way or another, and I am in no way claiming to be the perfect driver here.....but, buck me, come on.....some of these eejits out there shouldn't be allowed behind the push bar of a shopping trolley never mind the wheel of a blimmin car!


In the past two months the red misty rage has surfaced I dont know how many times - all directed at questionable driving on the parts of others and occasionally branching out to include scatterbrained pedestrians too. In the past week alone I've sat at the lights and looked on in disbelieving horror as an old lady, barely able to see over her steering wheel, maneuvered her motor the wrong way around a four lane roundabout. I've shouted dog's abuse in my mirror at three cars flying past me in the opposite direction on a one way street. I've nearly worn out my brakes and horn from dealing with emergency stoppers in front of meones that stop for no reason at all. And, holding back tears of burning frustration I've been held up time after time after time after time by tractors, motorbikes and assholes that are incapable of driving over a speed of 30. C'mon......theres careful driving but that right there is downright ball-baggery.


 I've also come to the conclusion that I'm being secretly filmed for a new reality TV show where the producer is prompting random members of the public to jump out in the middle of the road when I'm driving and lets the audience vote on how many times I shout "WHAAAA.FER F_CKS SAKE!....YOU F-CKING DAFT F_CKING F_CK..F_CK!". And I can't fail to mention the two kids playing in the middle of the road the other night. As I slowly trundled towards them one of the wee buggers ran to the curb while the other stood, arms folded in the middle of the road. I slowed down and stopped because the little knob wasnt for moving. I was just about to get out of the car, check that no-one was looking, then kick his scrawny impudent arse into the air a couple of times, when he sidled around to the passenger side window, looked in at me, went "Ah haw haw haw!", then, before running off into a labyrinth of alleyways, gave it a double high five slap, leaving what I can only describe as being two shit-smeared handprints behind......delightful.


So..I admit that I'm that 'racecar in red' at the minute, that proverbial 'mushroom cloud layin' chap when Im behind the wheel for now. Ive seen some crazy shit in the past few weeks but, despite the cold hard fact that my level of cursing at strangers has gone through the roof lately, I think my rages and profane hand gestures have been perfectly justified. Im sure that, in time, the level of experienced madness will taper off, that I'll learn to bite my tongue and count to 10, to look at myself in my mirror, smile through gritted teeth and say 'I never did mind about the little things', to fully appreciate the belief that every driver is different and that each one should be treated with a certain modicum of respect.


......but until then....... Can I please ask that all you dunderheaded, slow-assed, sharp-braking, road-crossing, no-looking, spatial aware-less, un-road-worthy pieces of excremental spending steer clear of me and my veh-hick-ull?'s for your own safety.........and my sanity.

Uploaded 05/27/2009
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