No shit, there I was: knee deep in a rice paddy, nothing but shower shoes and a light coat of oil.
I had just escaped from the Hanoi Hilton and was making my way to the Mekong Delta where I knew I would find friendlies. That's when it happened: I heard a noise behind me and immediately took cover. Slowly looking over my shoulder, I saw who was tracking me. The Swedish bikini team was moving in with bayonets fixed, and they meant business. They were closing in using the classic traveling over-watch technique. They were fully armed and had nipple erections.
That's when my training kicked in and I went on auto-pilot. Thinking quickly I grabbed an industrial sized box of Jello brand gelatin and dumped it into the rice paddy, creating the world's largest cherry flavored jello cup. Then I began making the Swedish mating call: Du fick fina tuttar! Du fick fina tuttar!
It worked like a charm. The girls immediately picked up the pace and walked right into the trap I had set, but that's when I realized my plan had one major flaw: Having just escaped from a prison camp, I had no camera! No way to document the mayhem about to unfold! Who would ever believe me?
Luckily for me, EBW was tracking the situation and had a satellite fixed on my location with a direct link for video uploads. They were able to record everything. NOTE: Unfortunately, the mature section has since been removed and that video is no longer available.
As the girls entered the rice paddy (which was now a giant cherry flavored jello cup), I stepped out of the shadows to allow them to gaze upon my manhood. The girls froze; they stared at me and I stared at them. No one moved or made a sound. In the distance, a dog barked.
There I stood, with my specimen at full attention. It looked like a well worn #2 pencil with a chewed up eraser. I felt like a high school senior about to take the ACT: Ready to darken all those little circles... And that's when it happened: Two of the girls grabbed me and held me down, and the squad leader pulled something out of her rucksack. It was a large strap-on dildo. The leather straps had metal rivets instead of stitching, and the dildo itself had large metal studs encircling it.
My eyes grew wide as she strapped on and began to walk toward me. I cried "No.... No!..... NOOOOO!!!!!!" but my pleas were unheeded. As she got closer, I could see one of the dog tags she wore around her neck, and I was able to read it. It said one word only:
She flipped me onto my stomach, but I was powerless to stop her. "At least use some lube!" I shouted, but it was too late. As the metal studs dug into my flesh I passed out.
When I awoke, I was at EBW headquarters with large cast on my ass, surrounded by Eriq, Pepperpeanut, and UCM. Slowly sitting up, I asked "what happened?" "You just became a moderator," replied Eriq. "If you can survive guitarlover, you can survive being a mod. Welcome aboard."