MY relationship with lard_infamous Fart 2

I was so glad to finally be back from the hospital.  My computer had been on the whole time, and probably needed to be shut down.   Instead I placed my "Get well soon" cards on my tv, fed my kitties, and sat down to watch some tv.   I was flicking through the channels but could find nothing but a re run of my favourite show: Holmes on Homes.  Of course I watched it... cause he's so damn sexy....  Sooner or later, while masturbating to the idea of being apart of Mike Holmes' crew, I passed out.    


I had a nightmare, in the form of a auto-tuned news cast feature, about what happened in that god forsaken tomb.  The reporter at the scene turned into a zombie, and there was a clip of me in the back of the ambulance screaming jibberish while jypseys threw flowers at me...  and then something huge and white flashed over my dream.  I heard the sound of an over worked transport truck engine in the distance... and then... the smelll... this time it was of chicken fingers, alphaghetti, and chocolate chip muffins.   I suddenly woke up, to find myself clutching the couch pillows in a cold sweat.   My cat, was looking at me as if something sodomized him while I was sleeping.   I wiped my sweaty hand on my lap, and tried to pet my little Rooney (cat)....  who usually would stand there, purr and stick his little tail up in the air, but this time he slowly walked away and hid under the tv stand....   I can accept the idea, that maybe this smell was all in my head.  But now, it was after my babies....   


I spent the rest of the day at home, as usual.   In between scrubbing my walls, and pulling out kitchen appliances, I tried to forget about the smell by going on the computer and checking out ebaums.   I hopped on meboo and asked the king of wtf, DreaD08, what I should do about this real life wtf moment.  I waited for a good couple hours, but he never responded.   Frustrated and a little queezy I slammed my laptop shut...  then suddenly it was gone...  the smell dissappeared as quickly as it came!   I was shocked and still confused to no end...  suddenly I heard a knock on my door.  I answered, it was my neighbor from downstairs.   He said "Thanks for cleaning your appartment, the smell of it was seeping into my apartment, I would have called the landlord but I owe him two months rent...".   That seriously pissed me off. Never once did I hear a vaccume cleaner running in his apartment, and I was a little offended to think that this smell that was haunting me for days now, was being blamed on me.     "Fuck you asshole!" I said.  "I'll remember that next time you almost burn the building down, cooking fucking hamburgars in your oven"  


I slammed the door in his face, and locked it.  As I was walking away I heard a noise.  The best way to describe it is,  think of fat people, then think of fat people fucking, then think of fat people fucking on a water bed... throw in a skinny guy fighting for his life, and that was the sound I heard.   Of course I was too scared to take a peak, but this, like the smell, was of nothing I've ever experienced before.... I just couldn't ignore it.   As I continued to listen, all went calm.   Then  'POW! POW! POW!'... "wtf!  Gunfire?!?!"    At this point I was freaking out!   I snatched up my kitties, ran into the bathroom, locked the door, and curled up into the bathtub.   I heard some things crashing and banging downstairs, and a voice that roared "Where the hell are these hamburgers?!?!?".   A few minutes later  I heard the outside door slam, and then to my surprise the same struggling transport truck engine as I did in my dream.    Everything was connected, I just needed to find out how...  


I really didn't know what to do at this point.  There was no way in hell that I was going downstairs to see what happened.   So I called the person I cared the least for and that was Steve.   Steve is my landlord.  He's short, a dick, and if you heard him speak without seeing him in person, you would swear that he was a women.    I didn't want him to think that I was as fucked in the head as I am, so I told him that I heard some "weird noises" and that the guy downstairs left his door open.  He told me that he would be there in a bit to check it out.    When he got here I went with him to look at the apartment.  Steve mentioned that he owed in rent, and that he probably trashed the place before doing a midnight move.    It made sense.... there was old broken furniture laying on it's side all over the apartment,  items and old clothing spread out as if he had gone through them to see what he wanted to keep, and all of the food was removed from the cuppoards and fridge.     But he was wrong... very wrong.. I knew that what I heard was not someone moving house, besides everything was gleaming as if it were covered in grease, and although there was no food in the apartment, it oddly smelled a little like food.  Turkey dinner to be exact... was it that  same smell?  It wasn't strong enough to tell, but I couldn't help but wonder.  


My whole world was crumbling.  I was being haunted by a smell that all of a sudden dissappeared, and I think I may be a witness to a murder.....  would the police believe my story?   What happens when this guy is reported missing...?  Will I be a suspect?  Am I  insane?   I went back to my apartment, only to sit on the couch and try and make sense of the past few days.   After some time, I actually started to miss the smell.  Although it's origin was still unknown,  and that it was most definitly the cause of my anguish, it for some reason seemed to be the only thing that could confort me at this time.  If the smell was there, I knew I was that much closer to to the truth, and thus closer the return of my normal life.

Uploaded 10/13/2009
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