My girlfriend's sister is my effin' hero. She has this bat, named Marilyn. Not "squeak, squeak" bat, but "play ball!" bat. Marilyn is a very effective educational tool. She is tirelessly dedicated to her life's work: Teaching Common Courtesy Via Applied Trauma and Shock. There is literally a file filled with the bozos she's hospitalized in order to teach them the meaning of "NO".
What follows is a survival guide should ever find yourself enrolled in her Special Education Program.
On the first offense you will receive a definition of the word "no" and a warning of exactly what will happen if you fail to understand. Not even God can save you from her fury if you decide that once is not enough. As a general rule, whatever part of your body used during the incident is subject to forfeit *. Whichever hand you put on her, make certain that it is not one which you will miss. If you enjoy chewing your food, you will be very careful with the words you choose to say to her. But most importantly, once the lesson has concluded, whatever you do:
- STAY DOWN!
- DO NOT GET BACK UP, YOUR PRIDE IS NOT WORTH IT!
- MAKE NO SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
When the police arrive to assist you with the graduation ceremony, they will be laughing uncontrollably at you for they have seen this countless times before. They are glad to see her at work because typically, her students often have outstanding warrants for similar offenses. She never strikes them when down, only when they present an obvious threat. She only gives these Special Training Sessions to those who were clearly asking for it. She knows all the local laws regarding self-defense and the use of force. She doesn't go looking for trouble, but when it finds her God help them. None of the graduates of her program have continued in the error of their ways, and several of them are now looking forward to solid food and the ability to walk un-assisted again. She has earned the name "Slugger" and quite a reputation on the streets, and seriously bad MF's will cross the street to avoid coming into contact with her. Other than this she's a really sweet girl when she's not threatened or pissed off.
I'm ShavedApe, and I'm glad my Mom taught me better.
*Much to the dismay of the individual who thought it would be a good idea to corner her in the stock room and openly masturbate in front of her. One broken penis (that's right I said "broken") and a ruptured testicle later he is now rendered mostly harmless. As it turns out, he was encouraged to do this by some people he used to call his friends. I don't think any of them are laughing now.