Asking if she locked the door, getting down to business then hearing the children ask for you. You yell that you are discussing Christmas presents and they need to go back to watching Disney Jr. 2 minutes later kids are pounding on the door but it's been days since you and your wife have had any time together so you power through. You progress to an advanced missionary position where you each cover your partners ears as to not hear the kids begging for a snack they could easily get themselves. She is quietly mouthing dirty words to keep you excited yet the children's cries for Doritos are not only distracting but also making you want Doritos. Neither of you can keep a straight face as the children start asking questions about what's taking so long.

Putting my hand on the pillow next to her head for stability and her yelling for me to Get Off Her Hair!

Squeaky bed springs

Women taking their shoes off. Not only do I find the number of women who leave their shoes -- not socks, but freaking shoes -- on in porn to be unbelievably unrealistic, but it's also a complete turnoff for me. I'm not even really a foot guy, but I want to see them at least. Who the hell leaves their shoes on in bed??? And you have to go to extra effort to take off your clothes but leave your shoes on...

Stopping in the middle to chug some water

The worst thing ever is when he finds that sweet spot after like 10 minutes and you're like "okay don't move don't move just keep doing that" but you can see on his face that zero hour is four seconds away.

asking the woman if they finished

When about 10 minutes in you both realize orgasm isn't going to happen, but you keep trying for another 10 out of sheer stubbornness. After that one person finally speaks up and the other goes "Oh good it isn't just me, I was just trying to get you there". This ends in a brief cleanup and usually watching TV/cuddling.

The accidental elbow to the head when changing positions.

We were having sex and she says "oh god stop stop stop". I stopped and asked what. She let loose the most comical sound effect sounding fart I have ever heard. I had to look her square in the eyes and fart to re-establish dominance. Went back to banging.

foreplay ensues "Oh one sec I just have to pee first" Cheers babe I'll wait, my fleeting erection will keep me company

She pulls one leg out of her ratty flannel pajamas and says "Okay, but just hurry up. I have a busy day at work tomorrow."

Laughter