One time I was hanging out at my sister’s house and I was high as fuck. I’m waiting for her and her friend to get ready to go out and I’m eating Doritos when my sister’s friend exits the bathroom and asks, “how do I look?” My sister replies with a smile, “Debbie, I love that dress on you. It’s like you don’t care what anyone thinks.” Women are scary man.

I asked my girlfriend at the time if she would mind if I hung out with my ex and some friends after school. A simple no would have sufficed. Instead, she responded with “I don’t mind, I guess I’ll hang out with my friend Eric. We usually get drunk and make out”

When I was still married, my ex’s parents’ Christmas gift to us one year was that they offered to pay for me to have a vasectomy. We hadn’t discussed anything even broaching that subject with them.

I was taking care of my elderly grandparents and started to defrost chicken for dinner. The phone rang and my grandmother answered the phone. She then called me down because my uncle on the other line wanted to talk to me. I pick up and say hello, and he replies “They don’t want chicken for dinner”

It was at work. I bake stuff and bring it in for my coworkers pretty frequently.One of our administrators brought in some brownies on a day that I had brought in cookies. She took that personally, and actually removed my cookies from the common area and hid them in her office so that only her brownies were available. So I went to her office, reclaimed my tupperware, and told her I’d keep the cookies in my office till her brownies were gone. On the way out of her office, the systems guys came by like, “Dude! Where’d the cookies go?! We thought they were out?! Can we have some?!” Of course, I said yes. And passed out cookies while half-standing in our administrator’s office while she stared daggers at me

My high school chemistry teacher hated my friends and me. We started it all by being high school idiots, but we were going to finish it as well. My friend would often crumple up his lab sheet and then flatten it out before handing it in. After doing this a couple of times, she said he would get a zero the next time he did it. So after we finished our next lab, he asked to go to the bathroom. He takes his sheet to the library, crumples it up, flattens it out and then photocopied it. Comes back and turns in the crumpled-looking piece of paper.

Two of my best friends are getting married, we’re at the rehearsal dinner, the mother of the groom gets up and grabs the mic. To set the scene, the bride and I dated in high school, so a lot of people are super uncomfortable with the idea me being in the wedding party, but I was assured it would be fine. I was a douche in high school, so the mother basically goes over the story of how the two met and that the bride was dating this other guy, but her son was just far more charming and attractive, which he obviously got from her. The bride is petrified, everyone turns to stare at me, and I reactively choked on my drink. The bride also introduced me to my last two girlfriends, the current one I’m going to marry, and we’re their son’s godparents. The mom is still a bitch, though. I’m pretty sure I’m going to hold that grudge forever.

My mother in law watches my son twice a week. I usually drop him off, but one morning she happened to be running errands in the neighborhood and decided to pick him up. At the time, it was still early and I hadn’t brushed his hair yet. Note…she is most passive aggressive person I have ever met and she is always making making comments regarding my parenting. She looks at him and in a sweet, fake voice says “We should brush your hair so people don’t think nobody loves you.” Bitch.

Day 3 of college: I asked my roommate if she wanted to go to the gym together. She said “no”.Then, while still making eye contact, she picked up her cell phone, dialed a number, and said: “Hey [Sarah], want to go to the gym right now? I feel like working out.”

We used to have a radio at work. My boss didn’t care for the station we listened to (Alternative Rock). So one day we arrived at work to find the radio covered in a sticky note. It didn’t say anything. It just blocked the station frequencies. Well, we changed it anyway. Next week the frequency sticker was peeled off. A week after that the tuner dial was removed. The week after that the power strip went missing. The week after that the antenna went missing. When that didn’t work the whole radio disappeared.Not once did he ever say, “can you guys not listen to that channel?”

I worked at a place where the boss was a monster, he would lose his temper, curse, swear, actually hop as he worked himself into a frenzy over practically nothing. A lunatic.One day he went off at Val, a sweet, intelligent, very religious young lady, that everybody liked. As he ranted and screamed at her, she sank to her knees, then over onto her side, and flat out on the floor. The boss yelled, “WTF are you doing?” “Well” said Val from the floor “I just figured that as long as you are going to walk all over me, I might as well make it easy for you” The boss stomped away…..what else could he do?

Me and my housemates during college were eating dinner. Guy A had left some dirty dishes on the kitchen counter and forgot about them. Guy B cleaned it up, and told guy A that he has to clean up after himself. Guy A asked what he’d done wrong and guy B said something along the lines of “If you don’t know, I won’t tell you.”That went on for some time. The rest of us were amazed at how petty guy B was. It sounded like a marital spat.

My mom worked at a hair salon. One day I picked her up from work because we had to share only one car at the time. When I was waiting for her to finish her shift, a customer was walking out and told the woman behind the counter — whom she knew by name — exactly this: “You know, I was reading this book and I think you will love it. It is called How to Trim Fat Around the Waistline.”The room went silent. Everyone was speechless. She walked out with a smirk on her face and the manager told the woman behind the counter to blacklist her.

Probably in college when I saw my roommate’s Facebook status about how she “hates when her roommates get sick because they might infect her,” and how she “didn’t understand why people just don’t go to the doctor.” I had the flu, and my parents didn’t have insurance. Fuck you Michelle.

Me: “I can do this for you but you’re behind on your invoices, you really need to get caught up.” Client: “How much do we owe you?” Me: “Including this last job, it’s .” Client: “Okay, I am confident we can get that to you by the end of next week.” Me: “Hello, just following up to see where we are on that payment.” Client: Client: “Hey, our site is down. Can you get it back up for us?” Me: “I am confident I can get it back up by the end of next week.”

A long time ago, in my first managerial position, I had a boss who got pissed off at me for somewhat ridiculous reasons. I was trying to plan out a potential project with one of my staff members and my boss overheard us. He assumed we were going to skip other work to get this request done, when, in fact, avoiding that was exactly why I was having the meeting. At any rate, he came in and absolutely dressed me down in front of my project guy. After shift change, I went to his office and he told me he didn’t want me to make any decisions without running them past him first.So…for the next week literally every decision I made I paged him first. Like…can Tom take his break half an hour early, or could Sally have extra supplies. One week later he blew up at my co-supervisor at a staff meeting saying, “Seriously, you all need to be able to make some decisions yourselves!” So, my passive-aggressive response worked just fine.