My brothers were fighting and one said the other had a thick skull, he responded by saying “ that’s because I actually have something worth protecting”

“Your mom’s a whore!” “AND YOUR DAD’S A CUSTOMER!” funniest shit I’ve ever heard

Someone yelled out in a Walmart , “I’m not ashamed of who I am”. Another voice echoed back, “that’s your parents job”

At the Scottish games, dude asked a performer in a kilt “what do you wear under that skirt?” The guy did not skip a beat and said “your mother’s lip stick.” I fucking laughed and so did the guys buddies. He was so shook.

My friend got pantsed, underwear and all at a party. Instead of pulling his underwear and pants up, immediately, he just kept going about his business, while hanging dong. Those of us that knew him already thought it was hilarious. The people at the party that didn’t know him, looked really uncomfortable due to this dude having his pants and underwear around his ankles, with his wiener hanging freely. Our friend/the host said “dude, why don’t you pull your pants up?” Pantsed guy said “I didn’t pull them down.” Then took his turn in beer pong. The host then found the guy that did pull them down and made him pull our friend’s pants back up.

Was standing behind these two older adults and this teen girl at the gas station last year. She was on her phone and the guy snapped at her for “not knowing how to live without technology” and without looking up she went “don’t you have a pacemaker?”.

This might be too good to be true, but a guy told me he was in line at Safeway and the guy in front of him was on the phone with his son next to him. Another person said “you should be talking to your son, it’s father’s day”. Without a beat he said , “gotta go dad” and hung up.

I worked with an older gentleman who was from Chicago. He had a story or an opinion on everything and he was very proud of his smack talking talents. The entire department was walking off to a meeting and, as it was summer and many of us were wearing shorts, somehow the topic shifted to the lack of hair on somebody’s legs. Mr Smack Talker spouted out the comment that “hair don’t grow on dead things.” All I had to do was look at his head and arch an eyebrow. He had let the fact that he was quite bald escape his memory.

Mom and dad were arguing. Mom: Kiss my ass! Dad: Mark your spot, you’re all ass!

My son and his newlywed wife were poor college students living out of state. When I went to visit them I took them to the grocery store and let them fill up a couple of grocery carts that I paid for. As we were leaving the store I said, “Now, when your kids are poor married college students trying to get by, don’t forget this”. My new daughter-in-law piped up and said, “Oh we won’t forget. We’re going to tell them to go get grandpa!” Haa haaa haaa…I love that gal.

A guy told a female coworker she was so ugly that the only thing she could turn on was a hose. Without missing a beat, she replied that at least when she turned something on it got wet. The guy was speechless, and I laughed till I had tears.

I was working on a railroad signal crew. We were behind on a project and were told that we’d have to work Saturday on an upcoming 3 day weekend. About noon that Friday, the foreman tells us that we’ve caught up enough that we can go now and enjoy our holiday weekend. One member of my crew was this huge angry viking of a man. Think 6’5″, 400lbs. He shouted “Yeah! I’m going to go home and surprise my girlfriend with a big dick!” With absolute horror, I heard my own voice say “That would be a surprise, since you left home this morning with a little one.” Fortunately, he thought it was hilarious because he was between me and the door.

My mom screaming at my brother that he’s a son of a bitch, and him calmly saying back to her “yeah, I am.”

A kid in highschool kept telling other kids that he fucked their mom, one kid replied “yeah, she told me about that, worst sex she ever had”.

I don’t care if it’s self-congratulatory, I’m proud of this one: Having dinner with my dad and older sister. I got straight As in school or something, and she’s doing the older sibling thing. Sister: You may have gotten the book smarts in this family, but *I* got the street smarts. Me: The corner doesn’t count. Dad: *chokes whiles laughing*

My uncle to my husband. “When are you guys having a kid?” My husband. “Please don’t ask me about my sex life with your niece”

Young pregnant co-worker had a stranger stare disapproving at her in a restaurant, then walk up and say “pregnancy isn’t very becoming on you.” She replied “well, being a nosey rude bitch isn’t becoming on you, but here we are.”